ADI DA SAMRAJ: And what do you do when you become childish? What are you as a child?
DEVOTEE: I act out of weakness, and confusion, uncertainty about situations, and… just being led, guided by circumstances. I tend to depend on the circumstance itself and just go with it till it ends. And in the past my relationships weren’t real. I never made a real approach to a man. Instead, I treated them like images as if they were imaginary and not real men.
ADI DA SAMRAJ: A child can’t have a literal or real sexual relationship, a love relationship with a man. Such “relationship” only occurs in this double-bind circumstance, where the association is surrounded by guilt and becomes self-destructive and a casual, loveless thing. At first your life-games were self-indulgent, self-destructive, trying drugs, then sex, then complete independence.
But the fundamental problem, in your case, as in everyone else’s, is irresponsibility for love as a living, bodily and consistent human expression. On the basis of your learning, your past, such a thing was basically not possible, not expressed between others when you were growing up. Such expression was not permitted, something that you’d be shamed of or guilty about. And so you became a sort of object in the world. When you became sexual, you were just a sexual object, a merely physical sexual person, not free to love.
So you got deader and deader, more self-involved, more self-destructive. and so you became, irresponsible for love under the force of all of these circumstances. What you have had to come to is a point where you can be responsive for the effect that the conventional circumstances of the world have on you, so that you don’t have to retreat into privacy and self-destructive patterns, but can actually live in relationships that are not expressions of a merely vital-physical personality, without feeling. The whole problem in your case is to get to the point where you can be communicative as love, as feeling and energy in ordinary relations, including an intimate man/woman relationship. It has either been something that you were too guilty and oppressed to live outwardly, or something that became purely mechanical, very worldly. So you’ve got to be stronger than the influences that come up in you subjectively or in your circumstances, that make you eel guilty about sexuality in general, unloved by others, not acceptable, not getting attention.
This the case with everyone. Everybody has different circumstances, a different pattern that they have to be responsible for, but it is essentially a matter of them recoiling from the natural play of relations and love, into exotic self-destructive patterns, self-possessed patterns. So you have your own characteristics, the things that tend to dominate you, that make you turn in upon yourself.
To live humanly you’ve go to be stronger than the things that impose themselves on you in your casual subjective life, and in whatever circumstances around you that tend you in the same way that your past did. And you must become less and less of a dependent character in all kinds of ways. Be responsible for love, for energy, for activity in the human bodily sense. You must simply be able to love, not just when you apparently are loved, but in all the other less enthusiastic moments.
If you are love you are entered into Communion with the Infinite. And that is the difference. You turn from the egoic self-possession that comes from infancy to the Spiritual Freedom of Divine Communion. We must abandon our childhood in one moment and turn into the Infinite through Love in the same moment. Then you begin a new way of life and forget all about the rest of it. But as soon as you turn out of the incident of Divine Communion and begin to become animated again by your tendencies, you become dark, you contract from the Infinite, become full of doubt. self-possession, full of obsessive desires and hallucination, hallucinated interpretations of what going on in the world and in your life.
If you can be responsible for Love then you are forgiven for all your sins. But if you cannot, then you persist as the ego, and you cannot be forgiven, you cannot accept forgiveness, you can’t accept freedom. If you can’t accept freedom, then you can never be free of your karma.
You can polish the mirror forever, it will never come clean. In the instant that you presume the Divine Incident rather than the incident of the ego, of independent existence in consciousness, it comes clean, it is already clean, it is vanished. As soon as you’ve enter into Divine Communion, you are a polished mirror, white as snow, free of your sin because you have become responsible, you are not any longer a sinner.
You have accepted forgiveness, you are not persisting in the ritual of your lovelessness, you’re missing the mark, your turning away from the Infinite into self-possession, self-reflection, self-meditation. You are not saved victoriously by some cosmic, archetypal event. Our salvation is in our own understanding, through responsibility, through conversion of feeling-attention back to the Infinite.
The Spiritual Master serves this responsibility, he doesn’t make it unnecessary or allow you to bypass that responsibility by giving you some consoling belief. There is no forgiveness in consoling belief, there is no freedom in consoling beliefs. When religion is reduced to consoling belief it ceases to be religion, to bind again, to restore unity with the Diety, with the Infinite. There is no such restoration if we are merely consoled, full of belief, hoping so forth.
Teachings and considerations with Beloved Adi Da Samraj
Fascination and No-Sex
Sexy and Anti-Sex