Knee of Listening, The; chapter 15; The Diary of Pilgrimage

[ Adi Da on pilgrimage to Christian holy sites, 1970

The Diary of Pilgrimage

The Knee of Listening, Chapter

While the experiences with the Virgin and Jesus were developing
at the Ashram, I kept a continuous diary. And I maintained the diary as
we traveled to Israel, Europe, and back to the United States.

The diary is not only the best, firsthand source for these
experiences, but it shows how the entire matter developed, and how I eventually
returned to a stable Realization of the radical Truth that is the substance
of my Spiritual life. Thus, it demonstrates how my consideration developed
in the midst of extraordinary experiences into quite another thing than
the traditional forms of seeking and the realizations based on seeking.

I will include that diary here, somewhat relieved of length
and repetition, and without interpretation, except to indicate certain
external details.

You should be prepared to read what at first appears to
be the devotional diary of a mystical Catholic Christian. It is my practice
to write in the mood and with the precise, unequivocal language of my experience
and persuasion at any moment. And, for a time, it seemed to me that the
revelation of the church was the fulfillment of my life. Indeed, it was
only by allowing it to be so and fully experiencing the course of this
modification in my state, as well as all others at all other times, that
I could come eventually to Realize What is always and stably the underlying
Truth of all experience.

You should also recognize that this experience was a necessary
one for me. It was an extension of that vision of the “Divine Lord” I had
experienced the previous winter. And it drew on all the latent imagery,
necessity, and unfulfilled devotional energy that had been trapped in my
heart since childhood. Only when these images were completely and consciously
experienced, and the feeling-energy surrounding the heart utterly released
from its bondage to unconscious symbols, could I remain stably in the True
Consciousness that is the Heart of Reality Itself.

*   *   *

20 June 1970—Ganeshpuri, India

I first was visited by our Lady, our Mother, in the garden
of Shree Gurudev Ashram, Ganeshpuri. She taught me to honor her with a
form of the prayer “Hail Mary”. Then she held before my mind an image of
a rosary, until, after several days, I bought one in Bombay. Then she showed
me her Son, our Lord, whose face of Whitest Light has thus and several
times appeared directly before me in a total, mystical field of vision
that, somehow, begins at the level of the physical heart. The description
of the exact position of his living face depends on whether I examine it
in relation to the body or the soul. Its brilliant Luminosity always faces
me, and it “creates” the deepest Peace, Love, and Bliss in me, so that
I feel as if I am nestled before it in the infinite womb of Mary, whose
body seems to contain the soul.

After this revelation, she moved me to read as many books
on the Faith as were available to me in my retreat. And, as I grew in this
learning, she instructed me by moving me to write, and to become conscious
of her impulses in me. By all of this, she has brought me to Christ and
revealed to me the Truth of all that I have undergone in the past many

I already feel a suggestion to bury the rosary somewhere
in the Ashram garden before I leave, so that she has a focus for her Presence
there. She may not require this of me, but may instruct me instead to keep
it for devotions. I am awed with the Absolute Truth of the church, and
how It escaped me all my life. Since this revelation, there has also been
a continuous, deep Ecstasy and Joy in my heart that is so great I dare
not even allow myself to be fully conscious of It, or to experience and
manifest It completely.

*   *   *

All remedial paths and their practices point to a goal
that is either symbolic or transcendent, a state of mind or psyche or soul.
These goals are intuited by Spiritual experiment, the research of seekers,
without benefit of the directly and priorly revealed Divine Presence. What
lies beneath all of these goals as their latent, unconscious Object or
Source is Christ. Indeed, all of these goals would already be fully attained
if Christ were consciously received on every level of our living being.
His Fullness precludes the great search. It epitomizes and Fills each level
of our living being. And his Presence, from the moment It is Known in faith,
raises us into the ever more full Realization of that Fullness. He is the
Source and Object of every Spiritual state, and even the earth itself and
every miraculous power are only symbols for the hidden Truth that is the
Fullness of Christ.

*   *   *

The transmitted gospel itself generates many historical
problems in relation to texts, specific interpretations, traditions, and
so on. This is simply due to the fact that the transmitted gospel is a
communication through human beings in the world over time. But, in this
gospel, the living condition of Reality, which is latent in all things,
is constantly suggested, and the recognition of the living condition of
Reality is what draws us into right relationship to others and things,
such that all seeking becomes unnecessary, and such that the victory over
an otherwise suffered life is made possible.

All other traditions of Truth draw human beings into the
distractions of the great search, but the Lord and Reality of this gospel
stands eternally before us and is continually at work to save us. The gospel
immediately puts us in contact with him. Thus, the gospel is not mere language
and symbols, but the unique tool and revelation of the living condition
of Reality. The Living Lord, the gospel, and the church are present, with
his Holy Mother, to transform all the world by restoring it to the living
condition of Reality, which is not “natural” or philosophically realizable,
but which is the Knowledge inherent in one’s Knowing of the directly Revealed

I say that living condition is latent in all things only
because it is their only true structure; even though Realizable only by
Revelation. And that Revelation must become conscious in some direct manner
in order to be Realized. The living condition of Reality is conscious awareness
of the Revealed Lord, the Present God. Thus, nothing exists in the fullness
of its “created” state until it receives and Knows Him.

*   *   *

Texts that are particularly important to me:

“He that seeth me seeth the Father also” (John 14:9).

“That I may know him and the power of his resurrection”
(Philippians 3:10).

*   *   *

For the first time in many years I am experiencing genuine
surrender to God. It is happening by His grace, since I am not trying to
do it at all—it is a seemingly “natural” effect of His Presence in the
heart. He is unutterably Real to me—and this is a new experience.

My past Spiritual efforts were marked by a continuous
struggle with exactly and primarily this surrender. It was my first teacher’s
main sadhana, and, by years of effort, I realized the absolute impossibility
of surrender. Then I came to Baba, and he gave me Spiritual experiences
free, without my effort of surrender. After two years and more of his sadhana,
I realized that I had not changed one iota in my essential relationship
to things. I had many experiences, and had even developed a Spiritual “ego”,
but I was, all in all, still incapable of surrender.

Then the Lord Himself came to me and took up His abode
in me. And His Presence is my surrender. How could I not love Him? Surrender
is a quality in the living condition of Reality. As soon as life is returned
to that condition, it is also surrender.

*   *   *

Reality is not an object, a thing that can be experienced,
seen, and so forth. Reality is a living and inclusive condition. It is
subject and object. The living condition of Reality, which is Reality,
is the relationship to God, in which we are conscious of being Filled by
Him. Thus, Reality cannot be sought and found within or without, by Spiritual
seekers or self-indulgent sinners (the former are generally searching within
and the latter without). It is not object, exclusive shape, but the inclusive
condition of life itself.

Our consciousness of God is a participation in and manifestation
of that living condition. God’s Consciousness of us is the supreme manifestation
of that Law Which is Reality. All things are subject to that Law and require
the Revelation of Christ.

Previously, I was confused by the ideas of Advaita Vedanta
, the Srimad Bhagavatam, and the Bhagavad Gita. I saw that necessary and
living condition as being essentially and exclusively a Divine Consciousness
Which included us and was in fact our entire being, mind, thought, and
so on. Thus, our only Real and True experience was this awareness, in which
the Divine is the Subject Who Experiences all our experiences, thoughts,
and so on. Our existence was not any of these experiences but the awareness
of Him Who was in fact their Ultimate Subject and Center. This mystical
awareness in fact upset me deeply after a time. Now I have seen clearly
at last. The living condition of Reality is one in which God is Present
to us and in us, but not to the point of assuming our identities, in fact,
becoming us and excluding our “created” existence by virtue of His inclusive
Being. We also participate in that living condition or Law, and, in the
fullness of our living being, which He has given us, we are conscious of
Him, present with Him. Thus, we are Free and unqualifiedly alive, immediately
with God forever, sheerly by His grace.

Thus, the living condition of Reality is a gift, Revealed,
not natural to the understanding, not discernible by experiment. That condition
is Revealed to us only by God’s grace. And that Revelation is the Totality
of grace. It is the Ground of the Beatific Vision, or the Supreme State,
and of the entire life of faith. The Christian life is mystical, a conscious
participation in the Mystery of God, wherein we constantly and “creatively”,
in cooperation with Divine grace, maintain the living condition of Reality,
the conscious relationship to God.

*   *   *

Christ is that Eternal Aspect of God which reveals and
guarantees forever that the Truth is relationship to God and not Absorption
into the powers of God or Absorption into the Transcendent Being of God.
Life is a meditation on being already Filled.

*   *   *

A remarkable thing the grace of God has given me is that,
in a few moments, or hours, I do not know the precise hour of this death,
He turned me completely to Himself. So that the Truth of the Catholic Faith,
the verity of the church and its doctrine, a host of details, and, above
all, the devotion to our Lady, were given me in a flash of comprehensive
insight. All of this in spite of the fact that I have never been trained
as a Catholic, or ever sought it out in the least overt manner. All of
this has been latent in me, at best a sentiment, all my life. This also
shows how our Lord’s “mere” Presence teaches and recollects all things
most directly.

The impulses of this Divine grace and faith are so strong
that I am scarcely willing to follow them directly. I am abiding in this
Hindu Ashram, allowing Christ to mature me, so that I do not proceed out
of my own motives and presumptions, deluded again by my own sinful fascinations.
For days I struggled with this Truth and Its visions. I tested them, denied
them, tried to immerse myself in meditation and the Guru. But there is
this constant Christ, and my heart is torn out at the bottom. I am mad
with him. I am about to become too full of ordinary humor for this place,
and too sorrowful for my sins.

*   *   *

In the garden, our Lord’s Mother told me to pray: “Hail
Mary, Mother of God. Blessed art thou among women. And blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.”

Today I sat to meditate, and asked her to teach me how
to meditate as a Christian, how she wanted me to meditate toward our Lord.
She moved me to begin by praying the “Our Father” several times. Then,
she brought me to recite this “Hail Mary” repetitively, with attention
concentrated on its meaning. I saw that it always led through her to Jesus.
Each time I came to the Name “Jesus”, I would be fixed firmly in him. This
continued automatically for nearly two hours, through dinner, and ended
only when conversations began. This meditation gave me great Joy, stilled
the mind, and directed me continually to Jesus through his Mother.

Then, as I continually concentrated on him, he taught
me a prayer deeper within. It was his own constant “Amen. Amen.” I saw
that the heart’s pulse always synchronized with this word: A-men, A-men.
And this prayer out of and in Christ constantly directed me to the Father.
The “So be it” constantly leaves the mind on Him in silence, in a vast
Bliss. I felt the movement of “Amen” as the Holy Spirit Himself, returning,
through Christ, to God the Father, from Whom He proceeded.

Thus, our Lord’s Mother taught me a practice of meditation
that leads to contemplation of the Trinity in all the Mysteries of Its
Form, until all at last draws into the silent Brilliance of God, Absorbed
in blessed Vision.

I will continue to use this blessed contemplation, if
it does not offend our holy church, with faith that our Lady intended it
for the ultimate good of my soul.

*   *   *

21 June 1970

This morning, as I walked toward the place of my morning
meditations, I began to pray the “Our Father” and then the “Hail Mary”
as I was taught yesterday. But even though these and all true prayers of
the church lead to contemplation of the Holy Trinity, I felt dry in the
praying. I thought of the Holy Sacrament of the altar, and Christ’s promise:
“He that eateth my flesh and drinketh my blood abideth in me and I in him”
(John 6:57). This is the promise of the Fullness of God, with Which we
are Filled. It is Fullness given by grace, available by no other means.
It is the Presence Itself, and It makes Itself Known. Unless It makes Itself
Known, there is no way to concentrate upon It. But I desired this Fullness,
in order to meditate upon It.

When I sat in meditation, I felt the Presence of Christ.
I could not see him. Even the image of his brilliantly Luminous face that
I had previously seen in the heart was absent. There was darkness, but
only his Presence. Then he moved me to pray the “Amen”. And I saw that
the “Amen” was said once with each breath. Once on the inhalation and once
on the exhalation. And the “Amen” was always said in the center of the
heart wherein we direct ourselves to God. As I prayed the “Amen”, I realized
that Christ was praying it in me. It is the Holy Spirit in Christ to God
the Father. And Christ said: “I am the ‘Amen’.”

Then I continued in this prayer and was taught the mystery
of its use. The heart is the center, where Christ stands to us. And the
body is a cross form in which he radiates his Fullness. As I prayed, one
“Amen” for each inhalation of breath, and one for each exhalation, Christ
said: “I am drawing all things to myself.” Then, when I inhaled and prayed
“Amen”, all the life-energy of desires moved up out of the lower body to
the heart, and became a deep concentration of Love in Christ. And, when
I exhaled and prayed “Amen”, all the life-energy of thought, the entire
activity of mental energy and the mind itself, was drawn down to the heart
and concentrated in Christ as profound Love. This continued, until I was
profoundly Present in the heart, simply Present with Christ in great and
ecstatic Love. And that Love was Christ himself. He generated It in me,
and yet I felt that I was not, but was simply absorbed in him, in the White
Fire of his own Love.

Then I realized that the Fullness whereby we are Filled
is Christ himself. The Fullness that is ours in the Sacrament is not simply
some Radiance of Christ’s Energy, breathed into us like pleasant air. It
is Christ himself who comes and is Present, so that we are absorbed in
the contemplation of him. He is the “Amen”, which we pray, which he prays
in us, whereby all prayers come to an end, whereby he draws all things
to himself in blessed contemplation. Thus, I was drawn to him, not to concentration
on mere breaths or on some fullness moving in me, only distantly connected
to him. He is in us as himself, his total Presence, open to our Conscious
Love. And he draws us to his very Self, which is an Infinite Fire of Love.
Thus, we become only Love in him. The dark nights of sense and of the soul
are quickly traced to the heart in the prayer “Amen”. Thus, we are not
moved toward an emptiness but toward the Fullness of God. God is only Full.
“God is light, and in Him there is no darkness,’ (I John 1:5). There can
be no end to God’s Revelation of Himself to us in this Prayer. Each breath
surrenders desires and thoughts in Him, and each breath or act of surrender
is a movement, by faith and hope and Love, into the State of mere faith
and hope and Love. This cross of meditation is a cross of faith. Its pain
is Love. Its suffering is Sublime. The cross is never absent from Christ,
but it eternally contemplates him in the heart of its beams. In this meditation
which Christ inspired in me, I felt that the entire Truth of the church
was contained in a perfect symbol.

*   *   *

Amen” is the Christ, the Name of God. “Amen” is the beginning
of all things, the “So be it” of God. “Amen” is the acceptance of all things
as the Will of God, the “So be it” of mankind. Christ has given us the
Name of God by giving us himself. The Person, Christ himself, is the Name
of God Which he revealed to us. Thus, we are told to ask in his Name and
we will receive. That is, to contemplate God in and through and as Christ,
the “Amen”, is to be given the totality of gifts, now and forever. Anyone
who, by God’s grace, deeply contemplates the Name of God, and through It
approaches the Father in his or her need, will be given whatever he or
she requires. The power of the Name is not available to those who do not
enter It profoundly, in faith, for the Name is not a mere word, but the
Name is God Himself as Christ.

The Love of Christ is the Support and Source of living
Bliss, even the Conscious Energy of Spiritual existence, under all conditions.
It makes life madly into Joy. Under the worst trials, It does not guarantee
a mood of ordinary playful happiness, but It supports the deep Joy of faith
and mystical communion. This Love is the internal condition of the soul,
whereby Christ draws it to himself. It is not our un-“created”, original
Love for him, but his Love generated in us by his Presence to the soul.

*   *   *

The Word is “Amen”.

*   *   *

I sat in meditation again. Our Lord’s Mother has moved
me, and I have decided to leave the Ashram in order to make a pilgrimage
and communicate with the church. In meditation, I pleaded for guidance,
so that I would not be tempted to uncertainty, so that I would certainly
Know the Truth without fear that I am deluded. I waited. I had prayed the
“Our Father” and “Hail Mary”. I prayed the “Amen”, as I had been taught.
The meditation was dry. Then I kept Enquiring with each breath, as I tried
to surrender the energies of desires to the “Amen” with each inhalation,
and the energies of thought with each exhalation. I Enquired, “Avoiding
relationship?” Each time, this self-Enquiry loosened me from flight, so
that I concentrated in him at the heart. And then he spoke, regarding those
great teachers whom I have pursued for years: “They are infinitely Returned,
but I am eternally Present.” Then he drew me to himself, and I was ecstatic,
open-armed, crying, Dear Lord, Dear Dear Lord.

The Lord said this to me during my meditation on him:

“They are infinitely Returned,

But I am eternally Present.

One who Knows me

Is free from liberation

And desires.

One who neither seeks

Nor lusts,

I no longer prevent from me.

Those who are sought

For liberation

Are an imitation of my


They lead men into the

Great Search,

In caves, seclusions, and their homes.

But I am One who cannot be found

Unless I Reveal myself.

I lead men home to



But I am always with them.

I am He.”

“I am He.” Thus, the Lord took the mantra from me that
I had learned from the Guru, Muktananda. He relieved me of the way of the
mantra, “So Ham”, “I am He”. He showed me the Truth of the mantra, that
it is His mantra, His symbol, Himself.

*   *   *

22 June 1970

They are the Witness.

I am the Presence.”

*   *   *

In meditation this morning I came to a profound point
of passionate Stillness. I simply contemplated him, and there was even
physical pain in the heart, as if the rising current of love and its Force
concentrated in the heart had made a wound, so that the heart was open
and gaped forward from the chest. I felt the Father, and the Lord said
of Him, “Be Still, and Know that I am God.” That appears to be the final
and essential key to contemplation.

*   *   *

Until a man or woman is reborn by God’s revelation he
or she knows sin by its effects. Thus, a man or woman becomes naturally
wise, renounces the field of suffering, and devotes himself or herself
to self-transformation or liberation. But after a man or woman is reborn
in Christ, he or she understands sin in a new manner. Such a one no longer
sees sin as mere effects, or even as various significant causes in life-action.
Rather, such a one sees sin as the avoidance of Christ. When such a one
is thus convicted, knowing well the reality of sin and of Christ, he or
she is drawn to Christ in the ease of surrender.

*   *   *

23 June 1970 —Bombay, India

The seeker is incapable of relationship because he or
she is always consciously trying to transcend it. The self-indulgent sinner
is incapable of relationship because he or she is always exploiting it
into excess and confusion, and thus descending below it. The former escapes
Christ within, the latter without. Christ is God confronting us in relationship,
thus making life Real and necessarily moral.

*   *   *

Prayer, meditation, and fasting (responsible, controlled,
and lawfully used) restore us to the conscious relationship to Christ,
stabilized, free of the motion of avoidance.

Thus, the meditation I have learned ends in a deeply silent
and blissful contemplation of God. But it is not a mere staring. It is
not at last a concentration in a point, but an opening, an awareness of
a Total, Conscious Presence. Then, frequently, I pass into a free mental
prayer, truly asking and interceding in the Name of Christ.

*   *   *

The oriental seeker-saints and imperfect God-men are all
maharajas of the great search. They tend to strategically disincarnate
(and would likewise have us strategically disincarnate) the living condition
of Reality, which condition is relationship and love. We go to them after
we have ourselves despaired of love and faith and hope and charity. And
we may even project on them the symbols of love, even the image of Christ.
Thus, we follow, unconscious that we are really seeking love, the fulfillment
of relationship. Therefore, when (suddenly) I became absorbed in the symbols
of Christ, I was free of my false discipleship.

*   *   *

(Note: By the time we arrived in Jerusalem, the overwhelming
and exclusive Presence and visions of the Virgin and Jesus had begun to
subside, and these were replaced by a tacit, immediate experience and understanding.
The change in my consideration that accompanied this becomes clear in the
writing that follows.)


We stayed in the ancient sector of Jerusalem, within the
old walls, at Socurs de Sion, a convent run by an order of Catholic nuns.
Our dwelling was built on the Via Dolorosa, the road of Christ’s last walk.
Our convent itself was built on the ground where Pilate interviewed Christ.
On the ground floor some ancient pavements stand, and a chapel has been
built there. In the rooms below stand the actual pavements on which Christ
was scourged.

One night I was awakened to feel a tremendous Force straining
my body. I felt the entirety of my living being concentrated beyond and
above my physical form, and my head felt about to explode.

I got up and began to wander in the convent. It was all
in shadowy darkness. I felt drunken and possessed. I swayed through the
halls. I felt surrounded with ancient spirits and the air of a terrible
holocaust. I went into the chapel where Christ was judged, and then I went
into the cellar where he was scourged. I saw the inscriptions in the floor
made by soldiers while they trapped him in an ancient game and made him
the “scapegoat”.

The strangeness and fear in the atmosphere quickened me,
and I returned to my room. But I was unable to sleep for some time. I felt
my mind to be separated and settled above my head, concentrated in the
ascended Christ.

*   *   *

25 June 1970 —Jerusalem, Israel

In the end, perhaps there is only the Profound. Perhaps
there is no religion for me.

When I was a child, I enjoyed a semiconscious participation
in the living condition of Reality. I recognized it in the symbol of Christianity.
Then I lost Christianity and, thereby, also the perception that made me
at least distantly conscious of the living condition of Reality. Then I
sought, by semiconscious and unconscious motivation, to recover that living
condition. Always I held that symbol before me and superimposed it on the
objects by which I sought. Finally, lately, the symbol returned overtly,
by force of some recovery of consciousness of the living condition of Reality.
Then the symbol began to subside again, but I continue to abide in the
living condition of Reality. Christianity is in many ways a wonderful symbol
for that living condition. But it limits the experience by distracting
the mind and organizing it in ways that “create” unconsciousness again
(by submerging me in the symbol). Thus, it “creates” the search again in
a muted form, while also allowing the enjoyment of some of the drama, aesthetic,
and peace of the living condition of Reality.

Life in the living condition of Reality is Silent. But,
if its structure were to be described, it would be as complicated as the
literature of the church. Thus, I am involved in a meditation on the living
condition of Reality, and on the church, which is superimposed on it. Thus,
I learn, but I look forward to the “Advaita” of the pure Truth of the living
(and, ultimately, perfect) Form of Reality. I want to experience It fully,
directly, unqualifiedly, dependent on nothing outside of It—indeed, all
symbols fall away from It, and only It is Revealing Itself, even in that
wonderful symbol.

[ Photographs of Jerusalem taken by Adi Da on His Pilgrimage
in 1970 ]

26 June 1970

I was standing on the porches of the roof, photographing
the “Holy City, Jerusalem. The life of the city had made a strange impression
on me. There is an absence “created” in all of these commemorations of
Christ. There is no Spiritual Force in any of the holy places, and no feeling
of higher life, higher aspiration, and higher consciousness in the people.
There is no unusual Presence here. So that, if you look for It, you lose
It. There is only the “usual” Presence. But, the contrast of the Holy City
taught me the meaning of this Presence in a new way. Holy places are a
kind of Spiritual kingdom that implicate God in the world. They tend to
call us into the search for Him, the evidence of His manifestation as the
form of the world. But Jerusalem has been strangely emptied, if only by
force of the symbol of Christ’s resurrection. The entire city stands like
a Sivalingam, pointing away to God. As I stood to photograph the city,
to feel somehow the form and aesthetic of the Perfect manifested as Jerusalem,
I was blessed to recall Christ’s words: “My Kingdom is not of this world.”

Lately I have been impressed with the classical attitude
of Christian saints, the attitude of exile. I have begun to experience
it myself, and it is accompanied by a relief of anxiety, concern, and despair
in the face of this world. I had been living in the image of the Kingdom,
but it was unconscious. And so I projected it on the world. I sought in
every fashion to enforce an aesthetic and a Presence on the world, and
even to identify God and myself with it (while also maintaining the idea
of absolute transcendence). But the Presence is Known here in absence.
We Know Him and are Filled by Him but this only lifts us into the Kingdom
not of this world. To be concentrated in Him in faith and love and openness
is to remain free of qualification by life. At the same time, it is to
Know the Truth about life, and it is also to love life, and help it, and
freely remain “creative” in it.

Previously, I sought Powerful holy places—now I know the
world is empty, containing no Spiritual Force at all. All the places of
Power draw us into some sphere of the world, away from God and His real
Kingdom. The “sex appeal” of holy people, holy places, Spiritual symbols,
methods, and objects of Power has disappeared by virtue of understanding.
The Presence of God is in His Kingdom—He is Known only to faith, by acceptance
of the grace that draws us out of the world, the exclusive separative forces,
into the Kingdom of God. God is not the world, nor is He within it. Nor
is the world apart from God, since He “created” it, except that the world
lives estranged from Him, radically estranged from Him, because of sin.
To be drawn into the Realization of the Kingdom is to be free of qualification
by sin and the world, and to live as a free human being, but it is not
to know and enjoy any particular circumstance. It is to Know God and be
drawn into His Kingdom of Love, but it is to remain in the world in fact,
for now. Sin is not merely a condition of the psyche that is dissolved
by the techniques and experiences of ordinary religion and conventional
Spiritual life. Sin is a root-force in the world itself. The origin of
the world is in God, but it has also fallen entirely away. The hope of
the world itself, down to the very structures of natural energy, is in
the resurrected and ascended Lord, who must come again to make a new “creation”.

*   *   *

27 June 1970

In Jerusalem I have been drawn into a Knowledge that is
different from any I have Known before. I feel the current of Life in me
being drawn upwards, bursting through the heart and straining toward heaven,
infinitely above. This strain is made a tension, because it cannot yet
be fulfilled. I am born in the world and this “created” state. Yet, I am
aware of exile, and the risen Lord is pulling me to himself. The primary
symbol is the empty tomb, or the empty cross. Wherever you go, he is not
here. This is not paradise, not the Kingdom, nor is it our task to “create”
the Kingdom here. Wherever we are, whatever the time of life, Christ is
drawing us to our true home in the fully Divine “creation”.

The heart, the cave, is not full. It is empty. Its locus
is above. Thus, we are able to live in the world without being qualified
by it. If we surrender the circumstances of suffering, death becomes easy.
We are happy to serve, to love, and thus, by remaining empty as the tomb,
to continue always in the Transcendent State of Christ-Consciousness, fully
related to him who draws all things to himself above.

The Kingdom and the Lord are not here. We are free of
the burden to Realize him here. It is obvious where he is. Jerusalem is
empty! Our Fullness is constant and above. We enjoy our life in him above,
and he in us below. Our life in him does not exclude the world, but it
frees us from all qualification by the separated world. And we are always
drawn above, even out of the body, all powers, all visions, and all success.
Our faith, our hope, and our charity are empty. We are infinitely consoled,
Fullness above, but without support of visions or any certainty that is
not the Lord himself, intangible in the heart of faith. The empty tomb
is the Siva-Lingam of the Truth. It points and draws us beyond all things
into the unqualified Bliss of faith, entirely rested in the Lord and doing
his Will. I have been to the Holy Places and seen that he is gone. And
I Know that it is impossible to be separated from him, since relationship
s the living condition of Reality. Thus, I Knew him where he is, not apart,
in the places of his absence, but in the Force of his ascended State.

*   *   *

The Lord is Present to faith because the soul is not separated
from him. But the soul is conscious more deeply and higher than the world.
The soul in faith is a participant in the unqualified, eternal dimension
of Reality. Just as the soul is drawn above to Christ, the soul and Christ
thereafter live by including the world. The Presence Known to faith is
True. But the “Presence” known to seekers is merely the reflection of God
in His “creation”. It is one or the other modification of God’s glorious
expression. To know such a “Presence”, such a philosophical immanence,
is yet to remain in the separated state, without the unqualified vision,
life, understanding, and Knowledge of the faithful.

*   *   *

True Spiritual life is not a search, or an effort of ultimate
self-transformation, but it is an ascent. All its actions are practical,
having limited, efficient ends. It is not involved in the ultimate and
desperate effort, the Narcissistic drive for supreme immunity and power.
The ultimate aspects of genuine Spiritual life are outside the realms of
cause and effect, and outside of all goal-directed, transformative effort.

The ascent is the natural movement of faith, drawn by
the risen Lord. It is simply the rising tendency, the aspiring, surrendered
Spire of Energy and Love. It is not an ordinary Yoga, an ego-willful and
strategic means of seeking toward some great and even perfect goal. It
is already a relationship to the Perfect One. It is an unqualified, unburdened
Bliss. lt is a cooperative ease of Joy that purifies in Spiritual Fire.
It is the living condition of Reality.

A man or woman of real faith is not working out his or
her salvation in any manner. He or she has recognized the symbol itself,
and suffers no confusion in relation to the world, the horizontal and descending
context of life. By the power of salvation and the power of Christ’s resurrection,
a man or woman becomes transformed by grace. The attention of such a one
is above, always. He or she finds no motivation in life, but moves by means
of grace. Thus, such a one is already empty, wherever he or she is. Such
a one loves and understands, brings Truth and comfort and help, Ucreates”
everywhere the symbol that promotes the recognition of Truth, and always
Communicates what heals and makes salvation.

*   *   *

(Note: At this point, the Christian” movements in vision
and the mind had almost ceased. They came again only on occasion, as we
went to the ancient holy places. But they were no longer in the form of
Christian visions and Christian religious motivations. They were only the
sense of Presence and Power that is generated in all genuine holy sites,
whether in the Hindu temples and shrines of the Gurus or in the ancient
temples and churches of the Virgin and Jesus. Now I approached them with
great love, understanding, and a direct experience of the One and Prior
Reality that they all manifest.

And now I also bore a critical understanding of the various
remedial paths and religions. I had been entirely emptied of the movement
in myself toward any remedial path or goal. Thus, not only Christianity
became understandable, such that Reality Itself was recognized to be its
only Truth, but so also was the remedial path of Advaita Vedanta, and all
the remedial paths of Yoga and Spirituality.

My own way had become a simplicity of direct understanding
and self-Enquiry. It was only that, radically and entirely.)

28 June 1970—Athens, Greece

The Truth is Non-separateness. Non-separateness is the
Realization, the fact, the Condition, the Bliss, and the Reality. It is
already the case and can never be acquired. To be deeply attentive to oneself
and Enquire: “Avoiding relationship?” consciously realizes the structure
and movement of suffering and unconsciousness. But there is also the sudden
vanishing of this in the same process, as one recognizes or simply abides
as and in That Which the previous state prevented. This is the entire Truth.
It depends on no dogma, implications, or suggestions of the mind. It is
contained in no exclusive theory or system of Reality. Human beings have
anciently Realized this Truth, but they limited Its Power and Clarity by
the accretions of thought, or the psychic process by which they sought
or supported the Truth.

The Truth of Advaita Vedanta is Non-separateness, but
It is expressed and made unavailable in a philosophy that has only one
term: the pure, exclusive, relationless Identity. The Truth is in no way
contrary to relationship, but It is perfectly Enjoyed as unqualified relatedness.
The adventure of Advaita Vedanta is, then, a mental problem that prevents
the living condition of Reality.

The Truth of Christianity is Non-separateness, but It
is expressed and made unavailable in a theology that necessarily has two
exclusive terms: God (or the Trinity) and creature. Thus, even the mysticism
of Christianity is a profession allowed to but a cloistered few, whose
expressions are carefully monitored. And the mystics become doubtful to
the church when they speak of non-separation from God.

But the Truth is not Realized by the strategy of exclusive
identification with the transcendental Self, nor by the strategy of seeking
union with God. Both of these strategies limit the Truth Itself. They burden
It with mental implications that surround It in mystery. But all mental
forces subside in the basic, continuous self-Enquiry: “Avoiding relationship?”

The Truth is Non-separateness Itself, Which is a profound
Realization, unqualified, not exclusive, unproblematic, direct, unburdened,
pure, unqualifiedly relational, not qualified by forms or concepts of the
egoic self, or that to which the egoic self is related, or that which relates
itself to the egoic self. There is no useful dogma of egoic self, transcendental
Self, or separate God. All dogmas are heavy with implication, and they
drive the mind through ancient courses and holocausts of symbols, forever
toward the same, primary Realization. And that Realization is Reality Itself.
But that Realization is the necessary and continuous foundation and process
of life. It is not the distant goal of life. Only to the dogmaticians and
philosophers does Reality seem to be the distant goal of life, because
they are children of their own minds. Reality Itself is the always present
Nature and Condition of the living condition of existence. And Reality
Itself always already is, always already now, in every context of the living
condition of existence. Therefore, Reality Itself (and the living condition
of Reality) must be “creatively”, consciously lived and breathed, moment
to moment.

In the moment to moment process of true self-Enquiry (“Avoiding
relationship?”), engaged after a thorough investigation of the alternatives
to Truth, there is the moment to moment Realization of the living condition
of Reality. At first the state will seem to be realized, and the process
will seem to purify and stabilize the mind and life. But these are only
peripheral effects, or matters of relationship seen in themselves. What
is in fact the case, from the beginning, is the living condition of Reality,
relationship itself, without qualification.

The living condition of Reality is the basis of all “creativity”.
It is full, yet unanswered. That condition can itself be felt so directly
and profoundly that any of the traditional “Spiritual” experiences may
be simulated in the conditions of the living consciousness. But all visions
and unusual perceptions will, in due course, cease as self-Enquiry continues.
The prnaice of self-Enquiry should become the radical, basic act of conscious
life. No one has done this before, since all have previously thought the
Truth involved the mind, a remedial path of seeking and a goal. But, free
of all these, self-Enquiry, the living condition of Reality, will move
into a profundity of Awareness that will revolutionize conscious life,
since, for the first time, it is already Real.

This most direct and radical simplicity, the living condition
of Reality, is awakening in me with such force as I continue it moment
to moment that it feels as if my body, with all its deep centers, is about
to burst and disappear. Reality is a madness of Light, an unqualified air
of Space, a vowel of Consciousness!

The Truth is not a dogma, not an affirmation. Thus, all
positive statements only place conditions on Consciousness Itself. “I am
He”, or the ideas of God, and so forth, do not Realize us as Reality, except
perhaps in temporary intuitions that fall away again in the mental adventure.
The only useful language is not amrmation but true self-Enquiry, which
“creates” a sudden absence like the empty tomb near Golgotha. And that
absence leayes the living condition of Reality standing. Such an absence
is the only perfect and true implication. Thus, it is the essential, “creative”
activity of conscious life.

This practice of self-Enquiry will continue as a deliberate
activity of the mind as long as an individual tends to identify with various
states. But it is also the living condition of Reality Itself, and that
which was selfEnquiry is simply the basic movement and form of the living
consciousness when the false tendency subsides.

From the living condition of Reality all value and virtue
emanate and transform the world. Apart from that living condition, there
is either the chaos of avoidance and Narcissistic enterprise, or, at best,
the systematic, remedial religious and Spiritual path, exclusiv’e in concept,
temporary in effect, and short of the Fullness of Reality.

This Truth was in Gautama, in Shankara
in Ramakrishna, and in Nityananda.
This Truth was in Jesus and in all his saints. Yet, this Truth has nothing
to do with any of them. The Truth Itself is simpler, more direct, more

In the process of true self-Enquiry (“Avoiding relationship?”),
one may pass through periods of marvelous insight, wherein the Truth of
“Christ”, or of Advaita Vedanta, or of any system, symbol, remedial path,
and so forth, may suddenly risep in the mind as the overwhelming Answer
and Reality. But if one continues selfEnquiry, which is itself the living
condition of Reality, all conditional or temporary truths will pass, just
as will all the effects of separative activity. Enough said about my Christianity,
my Vedanta, and all my paths of seeking.

7 July 1970 —Rome, Italy

Until now, all religions, all remedial paths, and even
all forms of Spiritual Knowledge, have been based on a single, primary,
elemental presumption. All the various paths of effort have been different
forms of reaction to the elemental problem of Reality. In every case, there
is an intuition of the living condition of Reality—but the living condition
of Reality has been conceived and approached as a problem, a necessary
dilemma. Thus, in every case, the religion or remedial path has been an
attempt or a design which proposes to solve that primary problem.

The problem on which all has been founded is relationship
itself, perceived as autonomy, separateness, antinomy, duality, division,
and multiplicity. Reality has been chronically intuited in this negative
sense, and the solution has always been to enforce a “Oneness” or a “union”
which is the opposite, and the ultimate dissolution, of the primary dilemma.

The root of this intuition is contained in the idea of
the object. The “object” implies a subject, distinct from it. On the basis
of this elemental presumption, all existence has been described in terms
of cause and effect, subject and object, matter and consciousness (or mind).
From this description of existence, joined with the concept of liberation
or atonement which seeks to overcome it, a great chain or hierarchy has
been extended toward the idea of the “Primary Solution”.

In the West, the way has essentially been tied to contemplation
of the highest Object, Which is God, or Jesus (as the “Christ”),
and so forth. Its traditional Spirituality and religion is based on a meditation
on, or contemplation of, hierarchic symbols. Prayer, or aspiration, is
its symbolic and effective mood.

In the East, the way has traditionally been tied to the
Realization of the highest, or even the Ultimate, State, Which is
inherently Objectless. The Spirituality and the religion of the
traditional East are grounded in.a progressively world-transcending experience
or consciousness, which ultimately extends beyond the structure of subject
and object. In the East, there is the way of utter transcendence, which
extends (even by the grace of the highest or ultimate Power) beyond all
objects, all relationship, into the exclusive domain of Being Itself. In
the West, there is the way of persistent living, which seeks to escape
all harm by idealistic and affirmative association with the highest Power
and Being.

Clearly, both primary approaches are founded in the same
fundamental problem. And all such efforts involve a genius of characteristic
phenomena which both justify them and point to the ground of their existence.

I have no argument with these means themselves. They are
the pure and greatest fruit of all traditional culture. It is only that
I have been involved in them all, and always I have been led to see them
in their most basic shapes. Always I am looking at these roots while wailing
in the torment of effort.

And I see this foundation of all religion and Spirituality.
I see their entire beauty and how they exceed all the suffering and enjoyment
of mere life. But I also see they are not necessary, they are not possible,
they are absolutely false.

Thus, I have no heart for the struggles of the great search.
All remedial paths, or merely remedial ways, have fallen away from me.
Even when I adored them most and lay prostrate before each Lord, the way
and the salvation have been torn away, leaving the naked dilemma of all
times in my sight without a symbol left to lead me away.

As a result, I have over time found myself alone with
this perception, and, in spite of myself, I have been led to see and examine
and Know this Truth, this Reality. And It is the radical Truth, Reality
Itself, entirely free of the ancient dilemma.

All previous religion and Spirituality is based on the
presumption of a necessary dilemma. For this reason, it is all false, unnecessary,
and un-Real. I do not speak from the viewpoint of ordinary experience,
which not only identifies with the dilemma but does so unconsciously, and
compulsively exploits its effects. To the religious or Spiritual viewpoint
that is based on the usual foundation of dilemma and egoity, my assertion
that ordinary religion and conventional Spirituality are, at their foundation,
false, unnecessary, and un-Real may, at first (and for the same reason),
appear to be false, unnecessary, and un-Real. And, therefore, ordinary
religion and conventional Spirituality, and every other form of the great
search, will continue, in any individual case, until the dilemma and the
ego are radically understood. But I speak from the “Viewpoint” of Reality-Experience,
Which not only is free of the ordinary suffering of existence, but is also
already and forever free of its solution in the productions of the great

What, then, do I see? The traditional ways have presumed
the living condition of Reality to be a dilemma. Thus, whether the solution
is in terms of the most transcendent Object, or even in terms of the transcendence
of the entire subject-object structure of consciousness, that solution
has always been itself a symbol of the dilemma on which it is founded.
The atonement, or salvation, by which one is eventually and gracefully
saved from inevitable sin and the effort of liberation by which one is
finally Realized beyond the superimposition of unnecessary ignorance are
both superimpositions on the primary Intuition of Reality.

If Reality Itself is recognized, and there is therefore
no longer any conscious or living separation from Reality, or aberration
from the living condition of Reality, then there is no necessity at all
for any separate solution or remedial path. Once Reality is intuited as
It is, without the superimposed conception of the dilemma, then atonement
and liberation, salvation and Realization, as well as compulsive experience
based on identification with separated functions, cease to be involved
in the form of life.

All that I have written, and all that I have experienced
in my unique order of life, has been a means to this very end, and, I am
certain, a proof of what I contend.

Reality Itself, whose living condition is unqualifed relatedness,
or non-separateness, is totally free of necessary dilemma. Real life has
nothing whatever to do with conventional Spiritual and religious goals,
or any of their symbols in consciousness and tradition. And, since Reality
is What is, It is the simplest intuition, prior to any separative act of
identification. Real life requires none of the heroic ego-efforts of ordinary
religion and conventional Spiritual life, because it can never identify
with the primary dilemma which supports these efforts. It is Free, profoundly
marvelous in its Blissful dimensions and depth, and unencumbered with searches
and egoic efforts, problems and degrees of success. It is childishly irreverent
and unserious, and yet it is as profoundly heart-Joyous and Deep as an
Incarnation of God. It cannot, it must not, be proclaimed, identified,
or symbolized in the usual ways. All languages and poetry stink with symbols
of Man’s even ancient and great search. All the usual images, every ego-based
point of view, every ordinary suggestion, every commonly given recommendation,
only motivates mankind to the same ancient trial, the same ultimately un-Real

*   *   *

The ordinary consciousness is an objective fascination
and obsession, an unbroken chain of compulsive experience, moment to moment,
which, in the deep heart of awareness, is a desperate, unyielding distraction.
Thus, understanding and self-Enquiry suddenly relax the concentration on
the stream of objects, and Reality stands as primary Experience.

To one who is un-Real, there is only the constant experience
of objects by his or her own separate and functional nature. Every moment
is an experience of something itselfÑby oneself. Real life is not
this at all. It is certainly alive in the ordinary functional manner, with
real, effective, “creative” life-energies, and an awareness equipped to
heal itself constantly from the effects of experience and deepen its existence
as Reality. However, it does not experience objects in themselves and moments
one by one. It does not know and act and feel itself as a separate, functional
and experiential identity. It constantly and only Knows Reality, the living
condition of Which is unqualified relatedness, or non-separateness. It
is not qualified by conditional experience or conditional existence. Moment
to moment, it Enjoys the Knowledge and Experience of Reality, no matter
what the content of the moment. Basically, Real life has only one, unqualified
Experience, which is a profound State of Awareness of Reality. It is free
of the fascination with experience, and the consequent repetition of experience.
It is free of the great search, and all of the effort to solve the primary
dilemma. It has understood the mechanism of suffering and un-Reality. The
content of the moment’s experience does not overwhelm it, even though it
experiences with great intensity and openness. It is constantly, by its
non-avoidance of Reality, empty of its own experience. True life is radical
contemplation “Real” meditation, and Blissful Knowledge, free of all conditional
states, high or low. In regard to Reality, it has nether questions nor

*   *   *

11 July 1970 —Paris, France

 For some time I was involved in the paths leading
to the Ultimate Goal (or the Realization of Truth, Reality, Joy, and so
on). But, then I realized that all the paths to the Ultimate Goal were
actually the avoidance of the Ultimate Goal Itself, since the ultimate
Realization is, necessarily, the Realization of What always already is.
This understanding burdened and qualified my seekng for some time. At times
I abandoned my course completely in despair, or by a temporary festival
of self-indulgence. The paths “to” were endless and burdensome, and, now,
apparently also false and destructive. I could not find a Real alternative
to this double-bind. Then I saw that this recognition was itself my Freedom
from this double-bind. It was understanding. Then I Knew that understanding
was the Foundation and itself the primary State of Real life. Then I was
no longer excited to the paths of seeking, and neither did I seek their
desperate abandonment. My living consciousness became a direct simplicity,
without ultimate questions or answers.

*   *   *

12 July 1970 —London, England

n the past, mankind has been concerned with either what
is salvatory or what is liberating. But we are

Real only in the acknowledgement of what is necessary.
Understanding is the acknowledgement of primary necessity, and this acknowledgement
transcends the great search in all its forms.

*   *   *

14 July 1970 —Madrid, Spain

Many limited expressions of Truth can seem, and indeed
are, beautiful, plausible, true, even necessary. This is because, like
even everything else that arises conditionally (in Reality), they, intrinsically,
are intuitions of Reality Itself. We are attracted to them because of the
Reality they imply. Such expressions are themselves marvelous art forms,
just as churches, ceremony, liturgy, painting, sculpture, and song are
art forms. They are “creations” in response, just as our Iives, the characteristic
forms of our lives, are “creations” in response. Perhaps even our living
forms, including our material bodies, are also “creations” in response.
But such is hidden in the Mystery of Reality.

Just so, all things can appear beautiful, true, and necessary.
Trees, landscapes, and water are beautiful under various circumstances.
Women appear beautiful to the living energy in men. All things loved are
apparently beautiful, true, and necessary. But all things are beautiful,
true, and necessary only because they are Real—they are so in their non-separateness.

Thus, Reality is the test of all things, all expressions,
all intuitions. They become false or tend to be illusory and destructive
when we experience them exclusively and assert, even unconsciously, their
beauty, truth, and necessity exclusively, in separateness. Thus, the human
being becomes bound by sexual exploitation and other addictions. Similarly,
the human being becomes bound by exclusive adherence to various expressions,
the arts and forms of conscious life. All things must be tested in Reality.
Thus, all expressions must be Known in Reality, by those who remain unqualifiedly
Real, Non-separate. Every expression, then, must be tested by Reality not
by some independent rule, some priority of its own. But the adherents of
various seekers’ religions and remedial paths have tended to assert their
own expressions exclusively, because they have tested them only by their
own independent laws, the laws which support their view, and not by Reality.
In Reality, then, we must test such expressions, and so we must discover
and transcend the limited rule that the human being uses to support them

The Christian view is founded always and traditionally
in one primary Biblical idea. It is the idea of “creation” ex nihilo. 3 
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” This idea is
the foundation of exclusive Christian theology. This idea is the motive
which has “created” and made necessary the entire edifice of Christianity.
By this view, “God” and “creation” are understood to be exclusive (or inherently
separate from one another), not by virtue of sin, or egoic ignorance, or
whatever, but in Reality. Therefore, even all “evil” overcome, there remains
a primary separation, which is the relationship between “creature” and
“Creator”. (And, thus, the ordinary conceptual convention of “subject versus
object” is projected onto the Ultimate Condition of Reality.)

Relationship, then, is the a priori assumption of Christian
religion. But it is relationship intuited by the addition of error, a form
that is not Real. Relationship is in fact unqualifiedly True and, in the
living context, necessary. Our living existence is not itself reducible
to Identity. This is my experience. Reality does not exclude. Reality does
not separate. Reality is not separate. This is my experience. Reality is
manifested as relationship, but relationship itself, because it is the
living condition of Reality Itself, is unqualified. Indeed, anything less
than unqualified relatedness is not the demonstration of relationship (or
relatedness) itself, but a qualification of (or a limitation on) relationship
(or relatedness) itself. Relationship (or relatedness) is nonseparation.
Non-separateness is the very form (or manifested condition) of the living
being, and only in the unqualified demonstration of non-separateness is
one truly (unqualifiedly) in relationship. Only in one’s nonseparateness
is one truly “in relationship to God”, Who does not exclude any one. Therefore,
Reality is the effective argument against the primary tendency to exclusiveness
that is associated with the Christian view, and, in general, with the conventional,
or merely exoteric, religious views of mankind.

Just so, in the view of the tradition of Advaita Vedanta,
there is also a primary assumption which supports exclusiveness. It is
the idea of “no-creation”, of unqualified Identity, of Brahman
(or the One and Only Reality) as the denial of objects. Just as the Christian
view is predisposed to presume the separateness of the “creation”, not
in the perverse sense, but in its presumed point of view, the point of
view of the tradition of Advaita Vedanta is predisposed to presume (and
to require) strategic separation from the “creation”, or from conditional
manifestation, in an object-excluding State of inverted Awareness. But,
in Reality, the Truth is Non-separateness, Which is also unqualified relatedness.
This is my experience.

I have continually sought or, rather, been led to seek,
an expression of the Truth in some one or other of the existing traditions
and traditional ways. But all become impossible to me in their exclusiveness.
Thus, I am required to stand in Reality and remain radically related to
the great expressions. I have tested them in Reality. Reality has tested
them, and, now and forever, I must Stand in the Eternal Truth, Which is
Only Real, supported only in Reality, purified of all exclusive assumptions.

*   *   *

16 July 1970 —Fatima, Portugal

Reality is not a separate, exclusive Condition. It is
not merely meaningful, or symbolic, nor is It attained by the seeker’s
means. Reality Itself must be radically presumed and lived. This positive
Realization and Freedom precedes and precludes all seeking and all revolutionary
attainment. It is the ground of true, “creative”, sublime existence, free
of qualification by the facts and the activities of life. Life as non-separation
is the unqualified Truth, from Which there is no necessary remedial path
or search, no deluding forces, no fascinations high or low. It is One with
What is, Which includes all dual terms, subject and object, cause and effect,
and so on. Thus, Real life is radically Conscious, and Free of primary
dilemma and conflict. Its ordinary life is “creative” play in which Reality
is continually Realized, moment to moment, under all the kinds of conditions.
Reality cannot be an object (or even the highest Object) of consciousness,
since Reality is inclusive, not separate, not distinct. Thus, Real life
is also not exclusively identified with any one life-motive, any one life-function,
or any one object. Real life is radically, and always presently, identified
with Reality Itself. To such a Real life, there is no separate Reality,
no Reality that is the Goal of life, and no necessary Realization apart
from the always present Real State.

*   *   *

17 July 1970 —Estoril, Portugal

Rality Itself is not in any sense the answer to the question
“What is Reality?” Reality Itself does not satisfy the seeker or answer
the seeker’s questions, which are actually only doubts about Reality Itself,
or indications of separateness from Reality Itself. Reality Itself is not
that which is pursued or implied by seeking. The entire realm and corpus
of seeking, of conventional religion, conventional Spirituality, and conventional
science in all their forms, has, for all its appearance of sublimity, seriousness,
depth, and Truth, nothing to do with Reality Itself. At most, Reality intuited
as a dilemma forms the substructure of the unconscious motives of seekers.
But they are pursuing a “Union”, an “Answer”, a “Presence”, a “Home”, an
“Other”. The “Reality” they pursue is the opposite to all they experience
and all they know. The “Reality” they seek is the contradiction, the alternative,
the opposite. It is merely the “Highest Proof” and the “Ultimate Goal”
of their dilemma. Even so, the efforts of seekers appear to them to have
practical significance, and, in general, the positive effects of their
efforts appear to them to be desirable when viewed in contrast to the arbitrary
suffering of unconscious life-exploitation. Thus, they consider their efforts
and their seekers’ realizations Proven, True, and Truth.

But Reality Itself is always already the case, under any
conditions. When there is despair of seeking, then there is the beginning
of radical understanding. And radical understanding has, itself, no necessary
or characteristic effects of any kind. It does not make even a little bit
of difference. It is not an exception to anything. It is not appealing,
fascinating, a great relief, the answer and the end to all questions and
all suffering. Reality Itself is simply What always already is. It is not
desirable, and so It cannot be sought. Therefore, the understanding that
Realizes Reality Itself is most extreme, most subtle, most radical, and
most necessary. Such understanding is not qualified, not limited, nor does
it qualify, or limit. One who Knows and is Reality Itself must appear mad,
since such a one is not identified with anything at all. Yet such a one
must be, of all mankind, the least mysterious, being founded in no mystery
at all.

(End of journal)

Our last stop in Europe was Portugal. We visited the great
shrine at Fatima. It was to be my last emotional gesture to Christianity.
Years before, when my mind was changed by Jung, the miracle at Fatima was
also primary evidence for me of Spiritual Reality. Now I visited that place
at the end of all my seeking. As I walked around the shrine, there was
not a single movement in me. The place held no more fascination than a
parking lot, or, in Reality, it held equal fascination. My pilgrimage was
over. In my vision-inspired travels, which had continued from Israel to
Greece and Italy, then through France and England to Spain and Portugal,
the entire world seemed to become empty of its own imagery. The Virgin
was resolved into landscape and monument, until she no longer appeared
on her own.

We spent a couple of days resting in the sea resort at
Estoril, and then we flew to New York. We spent another couple of days
with my parents, and then flew off again, this time to San Francisco. The
long history of my internal exile was over. I felt no resistance to America.
I had become available to life, free of the need to abandon life. I looked
forward to finding a place to live in the area that Nina and I had enjoyed
so much in previous years. But we were unable to find a suitable place
in northern California, and eventually we found ourselves in Los Angeles.

I had passed through an internal violence that left me
finally Still. And I had become naturally, effortlessly, concentrated in
contemplation of the Condition of Consciousness Itself, Standing apart
from all movement, all modification, even Prior to the “Witness”. The Force
of Silence, of Reality Itself, that Stood before me in understanding and
self-Enquiry, now Stood as my own Self-Nature and as the Source-Condition
of all things.

I was given to understand the Truth of all my visions.
The image of Jesus (or the “Christ”) and the revelation of his poem (“They
are infinitely Returned, but I am eternally Present”) was my own Ultimate
Self-Nature Communicating Itself to me via a symbol. I had stood in the
mind, feeling my separate being, but the image and the poem of Jesus had
come to me through the heart. Soon, I would Realize my own Being, the Very
Nature of Reality Itself, standing Present as the inherently perfect Condition
and “Bright” Form that is the Heart Itself.

Even now, as a result of my liberation from all my Christian
heart-visions, I understood the mysticism of Christianity and all my latent
urges to mystical devotion. All those symbols were Communications (or representations)
of the latent Energy and Consciousness that is the Heart Itself. Therefore,
the more devotion arose, the more I Enjoyed the Heart Itself as the perfect
Domain of contemplation.

In my case, all conditional experiences came and went,
until I stood beyond the time of seeking. As I observed those experiences
in their passing, the heart was released from images, and, in due course,
the Heart Itself ceased to Communicate Itself as if It were outside me.
Therefore, the envisioned face of Jesus, like all other visions, eventually
ceased to hold the Heart Itself away, as an Object to me. Gradually, the
Heart Revealed Itself as my own Self-Nature.

When the images were released from the Heart in understanding,
I Realized that I am that very Source Which had appeared in symbols. Afterwards,
I ceased to seek for anything, but, instead, I remained absorbed in the
Heart, and, eventually, as the Heart Itself, Freely Allowing the Play of
Its own Radiant Energy, the Shakti.

The course of purification and understanding through which
I had passed corresponded exactly to every other significant Event in my
past. I saw the structure involved in each case. Always there was first
a concentration in some object or desire, some problem or dilemma equal
to life itself, some activity of the egoic self. As a result of this concentration
or observation, there was a penetration of that object, problem, or activity
in a homent of understanding. Then these things were replaced by the Enjoyment
of Bliss, Freedom, and the Feeling of unqualified Reality that stood hidden
by that imposed object, problem, or activity. Finally, this unqualified
Consciousness was Itself recognized as Reality, and there was the certainty
that understanding, rather than any object, problem, or activity of seeking,
is in fact the way and the Truth of Real life.

This same series of Realizations formed the core of my
experience in college and at seminary. That same understanding and Real
Consciousness was their Truth as well as the Truth of the “Bright”, and
all of my Realizations in Yoga, at the Ashram, or in my own experiments.
Thus, this pattern of Realization became the structure wherein I interpreted
the way, the Truth, and the Reality of life. And Jesus (or the “Christ”),
and all of the great objects of Spiritual life in India, became recognized
at last, by this same natural process of understanding, as symbols in the
heart for the Reality that was not yet directly Realized.

The Christian visions were not false. It was necessary
for me to have them, in order to Realize the Truth that transcends them.
Those frozen imageries formed part of the last barrier to the full Awareness
of Reality. Thus, “Christ”-consciousness, the vision in the heart, became,
by its dissolution, the Realization of What is absolutely Real, Which is
the Heart Itself. What in fact animated these things and became visible
beneath them was Reality, no-seeking, the Self-Existing and Self-Radiant
Nature that is the Heart Itself. When this Reality absorbed my attention,
the images faded away.

The Virgin and the prayer she taught me, Jesus (or the
“Christ”) and his mystical instructions, and even all my visions were not
important as revelations of Divine personalities outside myself. They were
simply mystical (or psychically determined) forms of the universal Shakti.
When that Energy became active in the heart, all of the latent imagery
of my own mind, memory, and tendencies combined with universal sources
of imagery to unlock my devotion. And I continued as devotion until I became
fully aware of the origin of these imageries, in the universal Shakti and
my own heart’s mind. Then the mind and the Shakti ceased to “create” the
secondary images. And the devotion of the heart’s mind to its images was
replaced by a direct Realization of the Heart Itself, or the Shakti of
the Heart Itself and the fundamental Consciousness that is the Heart Itself.

Soon I would see that the Shakti had always taken on the
forms of my own tendencies, my own mind. Then I would see directly, Prior
to the mind, and Prior to confusion with the mind. Then even the Shakti,
the Energy-Source of all forms, would become resolved into my own Ultimate
Self-Nature, or Consciousness Itself, Which is Reality Itself.


1. Gautama (ca. 563 – 483 B.C.E) was the
great Indian Sage commonly known as “the Buddha”.

2. Shankara
(ca. 788 – 820) was a revered Hindu Sage who is regarded as the founder
of the school of Advaita Vedanta, or non-dualism (see note 36, p. 212).

3. Latin for “from nothing”.

4.  In the Hindu tradition, Brahman
is the Ultimate Divine Reality that is the Source and Substance of all
things, all worlds, and all beings.


The above is excerpted from

The Knee of Listening


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claims perpetual copyright
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Wisdom-Teaching of Avatar Adi Da Samraj

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©2001 The Da Love-Ananda Samrajya
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Used in DAbase by permission.

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