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THANKFUL: …When I
walked through the door I was shocked. Beloved was laid out
on an easy chair with the Trimada and Quandra Mai and Kelley
all huddled around Him, massaging Him vigorously, weeping
and speaking to Beloved with intentional force. My heart
broke. It was a sight I had seen before when Beloved nearly
dropped the Body in the urologist’s office in Los Angeles in
1997. Beloved was clearly barely in the Body.
…Beloved was
struggling immensely to stay connected with the Body. His
Hands and Feet were cold and numb. He felt great pressure on
His Chest and a difficulty breathing. His left Arm, Hand and
Foot were especially numb. Both of His Arms and Hands
continuously would cramp up and convulse.
After ten minutes
or so Charles [Adi Da’s personal phsyician] arrived
and we moved Beloved onto the bed. At first He was lying
down on the bed. But then the extreme symptoms of leaving
the Body, which were taking place when I first walked in the
room earlier, began to take over again. Beloved began to
talk about the “ringing” and how it was getting louder and
louder and that the numbness was getting strong and taking
over His Body again. He warned us not to allow for the
ringing to become too loud. And so we would engage Him with
greater energy.
(The paramedics
arrive)
…[The
paramedics] energy calmed and they began to treat
Beloved with attention and great energy. They placed oxygen
tubes in Beloved’s Nose which seemed to immediately help
with His Breathing. They had a mobile EKG machine which they
hooked up to Him. They took His blood pressure which was
extremely high. Fortunately Charles had the results of an
EKG he had done on Beloved just days before. When the two
readings were compared, it was quickly determined that the
stress that Beloved was feeling in the heart area was most
likely not a heart attack.
(Adi Da is taken in
an ambulance to a local Clinic, where he is treated by the
resident physician, Dr. Bob.)
…Dr. Bob did
another EKG and then asked to give Beloved nitroglycerine,
which was the best way of determining whether the stress on
His Chest was actually a heart attack. Had it been, Beloved
would have been relieved of His Symptoms within a very short
time after taking the medication. However, the
nitroglycerine did not affect the symptoms and, in fact,
they began to intensify. Through all of this, I stood at
Beloved’s Feet, rubbing them very vigorously.
After Beloved did
not respond positively to the nitroglycerine, Dr. Bob came
to feel that the symptoms Beloved was experiencing were not
fundamentally related to His heart. Rather, He felt that
Beloved Bhagavan was having a severe bodily anxiety attack.
This attack was not something that was associated directly
with emotions. Rather it was the result of the enormous
amount of stress that Beloved’s body is under. Beloved
confirmed that this seemed a likely possibility. The doctor
then recommended that Beloved be given some valium to ease
the bodily stress.
…The doctor first
gave Beloved 2 ½ mg. of Valium. After seeing that it
was not having a negative affect on Beloved and in fact was
seeming to ease the symptoms, he gave Beloved another 2
½ mg and then after that another 5mg. Beloved now began
to relax quite a bit.
………….
PAMELA: …Charles
and Laura clarified what Beloved’s symptoms were, and what
they signified. Beloved felt numbness coming up his four
limbs toward the heart, and numbness also in His jaw and
head. He also felt suffocating pressure in His chest and His
blood pressure was extremely high.
Laura detected no
pulse when she arrived. These symptoms could have suggested
a heart attack, but other medical tests, including repeated
EKG and oximeter readings did not point to heart failure.
And so the medical people came to the conclusion that
Beloved was suffering from acute anxiety syndrome, a
recognized medical condition that is not emotionally based,
but is a form of body shut-down brought about by stress
chemistry.
Charles explained
that the psycho-physical symptoms of this syndrome are so
severe that people are sometimes moved to commit suicide to
escape from it. In Beloved’s case His fundamental Stress is
that of the desperate situation in the world, and the sense
of His devotees refusal of His Callings. Because Beloved
knows, more than any human being ever could, what all of
this means in terms of human suffering, His Body Suffers all
of it. His Body, as He said recently, is always touching
everyone and everything. Thus, as Quandra Sukha Mai has been
pointing out with extreme emotion, this syndrome is much
more difficult to deal with than regular heart symptoms or
very high blood pressure. Those medical conditions can be
stablized through drugs, but nothing has helped Beloved
reliably with His Anxiety Syndrome because the causes of His
Stress are so deep. He has Sacrificed Himself to relieve and
transform evil, or egoity, at the cosmic level. It is only
the tangible devotion and love of His devotees, connected to
His Body that makes a difference.
THANKFUL: …When
you see Beloved, He is like a Divine Baby, but, at the same
time, He Reveals the ego to you. Then the tendency is to
struggle and react, and we end up killing our own
Liberation. Beloved said the deceased Spiritual Master,
Rama, who took his own life exactly two years ago (and many
of whose devotees have since come to Beloved) was basically
killed by His despair with the world and his devotees. He
was overcome with the sense of futility because of the
non-response to what He had to give, which Beloved also
feels, but in a uniquely Profound way.
…
April 13, 2000
Beloved has been
talking about Rama quite a bit in the last few days. Beloved
said this afternoon:
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: Rama struggled with this [non-response] in
his devotees for a year and a half, and then he took his own
life. I am telling you, in my own Case, that it would have
been utterly unbearable for anyone other than Me to endure
what I have Endured over the past twenty years. This is it.
I have had to endure it for 20 years, but it cannot go on.
Beloved then spoke
further about what He experienced yesterday as He was
leaving the Body. He said that the energy all over His Body
was unusual.
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: I was just in the white field and seeing all the
different levels of the cosmic Mandala below. At a certain
point, I realized that the Bindu had stayed tight as an
asshole and bright red. I was just sitting in the Bright
Field, and the ringing Sound in my left ear continued to get
louder and louder, and the numbness increased in the Body.
It did not go all the way. It stopped. During the extreme
moments of this episode, I was just looking from the
Brightness out, and all the other circles of the Mandala
were down below. While I was sitting there in this Bright
Field, there were some other characters in white, like
pillars. I did not recognize them as distinct forms.”
Right on the heels
of Beloved saying this, He brought up that Rama and
Beloved’s own father, died on the same day, April 12th
(Beloved’s father had a fatal stroke on April 12, 1984, but
the life support systems were not turned off until April
16th, which has been regarded as the day of his “official”
death.)
Quandra Nirvanasati
asked Beloved if the two figures were Rama and His father,
but He said again that He could not clearly identify the
figures.
Then Beloved
brought up that when He was in the bath yesterday, just
previous to His acute attack, He had been talking about Rama
and his devotees (who have since come to Beloved). He said:
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: That coincidence is not a coincidence. Rama took his
own life because it became unbearable. That is what these
people from New York went through, and that is why they
should be central to the changes around Me. Anybody who
experienced anything even approaching My experience during
the last 20 years would have taken their own life. The
reason for this in the case of Rama is that the vision of
this place is such a hell that unless you have the
Realization that can actually affect and transform it, you
are simply maddened by it and cannot tolerate it any
further.
There will be a lot
more to say and comprehend in the coming days relative to
Beloved’s Consideration of Rama and the profoundly important
role that Beloved sees for those individuals who were with
him and are now with Beloved.
…AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: What was also occurring is that in My Work I have
been required to deal with extremely negative and dark
forces in the world. Because of the darkness of this time
and because I was not protected, these forces were allowed
to move down into My Body far too far. Usually I Transform
all of this above My Head, so that it doesn’t come down.
This descent of the dark forces occurred also when I was at
the “Brightness”, where I was left having to do this
life-threatening struggle alone.”
Beloved went on to
say that these dark forces descending into His Body have
exhausted His kidneys and adrenals and His entire Body. At
the “Brightness”, He dropped the Body, to the point where
all the symptoms began to break down the body, but He did
not go as far up into the Light at that time as He did last
night. What occurred last night was at the level of
significance of the Divine Emergence moment in 1986, where
Beloved Ascended fully out of the Body. But again, last
night, through His own Movement in Love, He re-engaged the
Body.
Beloved also said
that at His Divine Self-Emergence in 1986, there should have
been a response to Him, but it never occurred. And so it
lead to the “Brightness” and then to this movement into His
present life-threatening situation. Now it is absolutely
essential that the response occur.
…
April 15, 2000
On April 15,
Quandra Sukha Mai met with a group of the former Rama
students and passed on this Communication from Beloved Adi
Da:
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: After the Initiation of My Divine Self-Emergence on
January 11, 1986, I literally had the shit beat out of Me.
It began the year before during the period of the attacks in
the media. And then progressively, over time, devotees
actually became afraid and they didn’t stand up for Me. They
hid and they started to change their ways. They started not
to communicate about Me as they did previously. There was a
dramatic change in how those around Me related to Me, not
only in relation to Me directly but also in how they
presented Me to the world. Fundamentally, it was about fear.
The other horrible
coincidence was Jonestown [which had occurred in
December, 1979], which fed into the cult mentality. I
had been talking about not creating a cult long before the
word was being negatively used in the public. But because of
this mentality, and Adidam being a “non-established” group,
I was highly criticized.
Then in 1986 there
was a terrific upheaval in terms of My sphere of intimates.
There were nine in the Mandala of My intimate women devotees
at that time, but after My Divine Self-Emergence it was
broken down to four. Five of the nine women in the Mandala
left, plus many, many individuals who had been closest to Me
left because they had become involved in a human drama in
which they were really not moving on with Me–at the
Spiritual depth at which I had to Move.
After My Divine
Self-Emergence there were great human demands that required
many, many things. And over time it has just continued to
the point where I have became isolated with the Quandra Mai
and the Gurukula fundamentally. I couldn’t find the right
associations, because those who had formerly been in My
intimate Sphere had gotten patterned in with everybody else.
Everyone was creating a kind of dome of unconsciousness.
…
Quandra Sukha Mai
explained to the group of former Rama students that Beloved
began a Blessing Yajna in 1986 that He was never able to
fulfill. Now Beloved is back in that moment again. He is
beginning a Yajna as a Wandering Sannyasin. And so He is not
planning to return to any of His Sanctuaries right now.
Rather, He wants to move from place to place based on the
devotion of His devotees. The place of the former Rama
devotees is to provide a new flow of energy around Beloved,
and a sarvadhikari force. Beloved said that these new
devotees around Him should be served educationally and
culturally, but that this can be a simple matter when the
disposition and orientation is right. She said that this
process did not have to be a difficult, intensive ordeal,
which people tend to presume based on the mind of the old
pattern. Rather, Beloved’s Way is based on the Ease and
Grace of His Being, so that you don’t have to go through
that self-based struggle–as if the mind is doing the
sadhana instead of the being. So Beloved is looking for
people who are “sensitives”, beyond the trap of the mind’s
picture, and He sees this in the Rama devotees. He strongly
feels that it is not arbitrary that the Rama students have
come into His Company at this time, and the coincidence is
so profound that it is necessary to make it known.
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: Ever since the Divine Emergence I have been trying
to find a right pattern and it has never emerged. I can no
longer live within an institutionalized or a bureaucratized
system or be like just a product or an owning of an
organization. I must literally be allowed to be the Hermit,
to Wander and be followed, be cared for and served, in the
midst of whatever I have to do or wherever I have to go for
the sake of My World Work. That is a global issue. I don’t
know where that will lead us. But I cannot any longer live
within that old system.
…
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: I have to be wherever I have to be in order to do
this Global Work. This is basic to My Work. I do not have to
have an instrumental LRO but I do need people advancing who
I can take seriously. I need people who can fulfill My
Callings, who know how to serve Me. I have truly been abused
all of these years. Read the Mummery. That is what the
gathering has demonstrated–Saint and Ear. I have no one to
hold on to. Whoever does the service and can fit the right
pattern should be here. And no one should move with Me
except those who are part of that and in a right disposition
and right relationship. [Speaking to the former Rama
students] You have not come arbitrarily. You are a group
and a group has certain abilities. That is different than
just hiring individuals independently. You are going to have
to see how the abilities you have gotten through training,
can be brought into service in My Company. [April 15,
2000]
…
On April 15,
Beloved Bhagavan Gave very serious Communications that were
not passed on earlier, relative to the extreme Yogic Crisis
of last Tuesday. In these Notes Beloved explains that when
His Profound Descent has nowhere to Flow to (because He has
nothing to Work with in His immediate Sphere) then His Force
backs up and causes His extreme symptoms. At the same time,
the dark forces He is dealing with start to Invade His
Body–in other words He can no longer keep them above His
Body and simply Work with them there. Now, to work with them
effectively, Beloved Bhagavan has to be plugged in at the
concrete level via “contact” points on the “grid” of the
world –that is to say with the people and places directly
connected with the serious issues that require His Regard.
Then He can move the dark energies and bring His Divine
Descent of Blessing down into the grid. Everything that our
Beloved Lord is saying at this time is a call for devotees
to find the contacts, the resources, the security, and the
highly capable, sensitive, and devoted circle of service
around Him that He requires, not merely so that He can do
His Blessing Work at this make-or-break moment in the world,
but so that He can actually survive the Ordeal. Beloved says
that He is going to do the Work anyway. He just does not
have a choice, because this is what He Incarnated to Do in
this historical moment.
AVATAR ADI DA
SAMRAJ: Over time the situation of non-response became more
and more intolerable. I was disappearing from the picture.
And this is exactly what occurred bodily. Traditionally,
it’s called the “rainbow body”. It was already taking
manifest form. I was Standing in that Light Form. There are
many esoteric realities to that. My Work is about the full
Descent into the conditional domain, and it involves an
integration. There is an immense Force that has to Flow. All
the Descent has been pushed up to My heart because it hasn’t
been able to Flow and that is what causes the stress. I am
empty below and there is nothing but obstruction.
So the force of My
Work is pushed up in Me so profoundly it could be
destructive, and so I have to have a way to function above
and beyond the physical body. I am involved in the most
immense struggle. I am at war with the most fierce forces
that can be imagined. And this terrible descent comes into
My Body unless My Descent is able to Flow. But this must not
be allowed to continue. The forces I am dealing with must be
allowed to flow and not come into this Body, and, for this
to occur, I need to begin to relate to real contact people
of wealth and influence, and not have to deal anymore with
this refusal of the gathering to manage itself. So you
should understand that, while you do have to deal with My
medical situation in medical terms, but you must also know
that I have to do My Work, and I have to be surrounded by
real devotees. The fact that nothing is happening around Me
after all I have Given and Done is emasculating Me. It is so
immensely frustrating, I am virtually exploding. [April
15, 2000]
…
April 16, 2000
On April 16,
Beloved Bhagavan gave the revelation that Rama was
previously incarnated as Swami Ramatirtha, an Indian Yogi of
the late nineteenth and early twentieth century who was a
follower of Swami Vivekananda. (Swami Ramatirtha is
represented on The Basket of Tolerance.) Beloved explained
that Swami Ramatirtha did not himself claim to be a
Transmission Master but regarded Swami Vivekananda as such.
He revered Swami Vivekananda as the greatest of the
disciples of Ramakrishna and came to the West, following
Vivekananda’s work and movements. Swami Ramatirtha was
trying to spread what he called “practical Vedanta”–making
the esoteric philosophies of Vedanta into a practical
reality. Rama was also trying to give a practical
application to traditional teachings. In the course of His
Comments, Beloved Bhagavan pointed out that Rama physically
ressembled Swami Ramatirtha.
…
April 17, 2000
CYNTHIA (former
Rama devotee): When I arrived and Quandra Sukha Mai began to
tell me about the Notes, she said “I don’t understand this
altogether, but I know you will”. Then she began to explain
how, while He was in the jacuzzi, Beloved had once again
expressed His Despair about the culture of Adidam, the
non-response He felt from His devotees relative all the
Gifts and Callings He has given, and the failure to protect
Him in the midst of the extremely intense and serious Work
He is Doing with the world. Beloved was saying that a new
pattern had to emerge that would change his Circumstance for
real. In the midst of this, Beloved brought up Rama, and
referred to the fact that Rama had died around this time of
year in 1998. (Later, it was realized that Rama had died
that very day, which was April 12). And He went on to say
that He felt that those of us who had been Rama’s group of
students right to the end of his life had been “trained”
specifically by Rama (whether consciously or unconsciously)
to come into His direct service and change His experience at
this critical time. He said that we had passed all the tests
that Rama had given us and that is why He wanted to have us
around Him.
I felt that this
conversation with Quandra Sukha Mai was happening in another
place. We were looking at each other in a very calm bright
space. She said, “You don’t know who you are or what is
going to come out of the process as it unfolds.”
A few days later,
Beloved Bhagavan said that everyone who had been a student
of Rama should be invited to come and receive His Darshan
and consider whether they were moved to become His devotees
and be part of this new wave of direct service to Him.
Beloved said that once the former students of Rama actually
see Him, they will clearly know whether their purpose in
life is to serve Him in this time of potential global
destruction.
…
April 18, 2000
ADI DA: Everything
is very critical at this moment, as the astrological
conjunctions operative from mid-April to mid-May reflect.
…This critical time, is, of course, on-going. But the next
month or two carry the potential for terrible long-term
possibilities, not only possibilities for some sort of
immediate trouble of some kind. Things must come together in
this short-term period for the sake of what will happen
ongoing into the future.
The change that I
told everybody must happen around Me I have been speaking
about for a long time. But it just came to a point of
absolute necessity.
…There are many
patterns that are at their critical turning point at this
moment. Essentially, you could say everything– everything
in My Intimate Sphere and everything that has to do with My
Work that I can do through the means of My Bodily
connectedness and association with people, and everything
else in every dimension. This is the unique moment where all
of these patterns are at their turning point. This is the
moment where either things will come together for a
progressive, ongoing process that is going to go in the
positive direction or, otherwise, the opposite.
If the energy of My
own Work that I can Do in the Bodily vehicle–and I’m not
talking about what I’m Doing beyond the Bodily vehicle–if
the energy of all of that is there to Work and I’m not being
permitted to Do it, this creates violent symptoms in My
Body. It is forcing My Divine Energy up into the heart and
permitting energies that should be outside the Body, not
brought into My Body, to enter My Body. So this moment is an
extreme turning point, a crisis moment, relative to My
Working. And it relates to absolutely every aspect of My
Working.
The future
potential for all the great matters we have discussed
depends on what is going on at this very moment in these
coming weeks and right now. And I simply have to get into a
position where I can use My Energy.
…The world is in
such a critical moment that it is beyond tolerance even to
look at it. And I am required to look at it in every moment.
I am not unconscious in the slightest. And conditions need
to be maintained around Me so I can stay physical and get
physically well. This is no time for Me to go “on vacation”
or wait anymore.
…So I am
associated with all of this world pattern and yet I am only
Working outside the Body relative to it, because I don’t
have the physical circumstance and process to become more
directly involved. This is intolerable to Me because of the
nature of this moment. This is it. Right now. And I’m
sitting here emasculated in My Room, unable to function
relative to it all, in any direct manner in the Body.
And so My Body is
suffering much. It is just a kind of an appendage to My Work
at the moment. I can’t do anything with it because I am not
in the pattern of the Doings. I have to get involved in the
pattern of the Doings physically.
As I mentioned to
you all, people come and sit with Me every day and those are
the only moments of the day where there is any relief in the
Body, because I can use the Vehicle. This Vehicle is unique
in the World and has the Great, Unique Work to do. And I’m
unrecognized, not served properly and trapped in a
situation, virtually emasculated or made ineffective.
So it is profoundly
important that I become involved in the pattern of My active
Work in the Body and free of this struggle that has
exhausted Me for years. I can’t wait anymore. I just can’t.
Everyone must
appreciate that now is the time that the pattern must be
changed because everything is going to go in a terrible
direction if it doesn’t change.
However, it is also
a time when things can change. It’s not a matter of waiting
for some big, devastating, heavy news to come out and then
to start working on it. This is the actual moment. Things
are, relatively speaking, calm at the moment–relatively
speaking, obviously not truly calm. Everybody is thinking
out their moves and so forth in all the areas of danger. And
if My Influence can be brought to bear directly in all of
this, through My Bodily activities–in addition to what I Do
outside the Body–and if we can have a group of people who
can get access to who and what we need access to, then I can
be Effective.
…I am not only
continuing to suffer the physical conditions that I suffered
at “The Brightness”, but it is becoming more difficult for
Me. And I’ve been telling you all that I cannot survive this
kind of restriction and situation I’m in. The incident that
occurred this last week is still going on. Right now it is
just being controlled by medications, but this should prove
the point to everyone.
…But I know the
difference can be made, or this is going to turn into a
crushing hell here. And it doesn’t have to.
I just have to get
inserted into the pattern in My physical Doings because I am
already in the pattern beyond the Body. But, as I said, it
became clear at “The Brightness” that I must be active in
the Body as an extension of that. All of this has to do with
My Divine Self-Emergence Work altogether, and, therefore,
with My devotees, and with making that Process right and
continuous. But, especially it has to do with My World Work,
which I am doing all of the time. I am completely immersed
in it all the time. And I cannot be trivial and just sit in
My Room looking at the trees. [April 18, 2000]
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