Conversion – David Brainerd

 

pp 175-176

David Brainerd (1718–1747)

Let me give you a good illustration of this feature of (Conversion). That genuine saint, David Brainerd, describes his own crisis in the following words:

“One morning, while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once saw that all my contrivances and projects to effect or procure deliverance and salvation for myself, were utterly in vain; was brought quite to a stand, as finding myself totally lost. I saw that it was forever impossible for me to do any thing towards helping or delivering myself; that I had made all the pleas ever could have made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were vain; for saw that self-interest had led me to pray, and that I had never once prayed from any respect to the glory of God. I saw that there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the bestowment of divine mercy; that they laid not the least obligation upon God to bestow his grace upon me; and that there was no more virtue or goodness in them, than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water. I saw that had been heaping up my devotions before God, fasting, praying, and pretending, and indeed really thinking sometimes, that I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended it, but only my own happiness. I saw that as I had never done any thing for God, I had no claim on anything from him, but perdition, on account of my hypocrisy and mockery. When I saw evidently that I had regard to nothing but self-interest; then my duties appeared a vile mockery and a continual course of lies; for the whole was nothing but self-worship, and an horrid abuse of God.

I continued, as I remember, in this state of mind, from Friday morning till the Sabbath evening following, (July 12, 1739) when I was walking again in the same solitary place. Here, in a mournful melancholy state, I was attempting to pray; but found No heart to engage in that or any other duty; my former concern, exercise, and religious affections were now gone. I thought that the Spirit of God had quite left me; but still was not distressed; yet disconsolate, as if there was nothing iท heaven or earth could make me happy· Having been thus endeavouring to pray – though, as I thought, very stupid and senseless – for near half an hour; then, as I was walking in a dark thick grove, unspeakable glory seemed to open to the apprehension of my soul. I do not mean any external brightness, nor any imagination of a body of light, but it was a new inward apprehension or view that had of God, such as I never had before, nor any thing which had the least resemblance of it. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the Trinity, either the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be Divine glory. My soul rejoiced with joy unspeakable, to see such a God, such a glorious divine Being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied, that he should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency of God, that was even swallowed up in him; at least to that degree, that had no thought about my own salvation, and scarce reflected that there was such a creature as myself.  I continued in this state of inward joy, peace, and astonishment, till near dark, without any sensible abatement; and then began to think and examine what had seen; and felt sweetly composed in my mind all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and every thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was wont to do. At this time, the way of salvation opened to me with such infinite wisdom, suitableness, and excellency, that wondered should ever think of any other way of salvation; was amazed that I had not dropped my own contrivances, and complied with this lovely, blessed, and excellent way before. If I could have been saved by my own duties, or any other way that had formerly contrived, my whole soul would now have refused it. I wondered that all the world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely by the righteousness of Christ.”

Edwards’ and Dwight’s Memoirs of the Reverend David Brainerd, New Haven, 1822, pp. 45 to 47 abridged.


Here is the original book

I continued, as I remember, in this state of mind from Friday morning until the following Sabbath evening, July 13, 1739, when I was walking again in the same solitary place where I had previously been brought to see myself lost and helpless (as I mentioned before). In this mournful, melancholy state, I was attempting to pray but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty. My former concern, exertion, and religious affections were now gone. I thought the Spirit of God had completely left me, but still, I was not distressed—only disconsolate, as if nothing in heaven or earth could make me happy.

After attempting to pray (though feeling, as I thought, very dull and senseless) for nearly half an hour—and by this time, as I recall, the sun was about half an hour from setting—I was walking in a dark, thick grove when unspeakable glory seemed to open to the view and understanding of my soul. I do not mean any external brightness, for I saw no such thing, nor do I refer to an image of a body of light somewhere in the third heavens or anything of that nature. Rather, it was a new inward apprehension, a vision of God unlike anything I had ever experienced before—nothing I had previously imagined bore even the slightest resemblance to it.

I stood still, in awe and admiration! I knew that I had never before seen anything comparable to it in excellence and beauty. It was completely different from all my prior conceptions of God or divine things. I had no particular vision of any one person of the Trinity—the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost—but rather, it appeared to be divine glory itself that I beheld. My soul rejoiced with unspeakable joy at seeing such a God, such

a glorious divine Being. I was inwardly pleased and satisfied that He should be God over all, forever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellence, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God that I was utterly absorbed in Him—to such a degree that I had no thought (as I recall) at first about my own salvation, nor did I even reflect on my own existence.

Thus, God, I trust, brought me to a heartfelt willingness to exalt Him and place Him on the throne, aiming ultimately at His honor and glory as King of the Universe.

I continued in this state of inward joy, peace, and astonishment until near dark, without any noticeable diminishment. Then I began to reflect on and examine what I had seen, and I remained sweetly composed in my mind throughout the evening. I felt as if I were in a new world, and everything around me appeared with a different aspect than before.

At this time, the way of salvation opened before me with such infinite wisdom, suitability, and excellence that I marveled at how I had ever considered any other way. I was amazed that I had not immediately abandoned my own contrivances and embraced this beautiful, blessed, and excellent way before. If I could have been saved by my own efforts or by any other means I had previously imagined, my whole soul would now have utterly rejected it. I wondered how the entire world did not see and embrace this way of salvation—entirely by the righteousness of Christ.



Here are the previous pages to his conversion.

Another thing that I found great inward opposition to was the sovereignty of God. I could not bear the thought that it should be wholly at God’s pleasure to save or condemn me as He willed. That passage in Romans 9:11–23 was a constant source of distress to me, especially verse 21. Reading or meditating on it always destroyed my seeming moments of humility. Whenever I thought I was almost humbled and nearly resigned to God’s sovereignty, reading or thinking about this passage would stir up enmity within me against it. And when I reflected on my inward rebellion and blasphemy that arose from this, I became even more afraid of God and felt driven further away from any hope of reconciliation with Him. This gave me such a terrifying view of myself that I dreaded more than ever the thought of being in God’s hands and at His sovereign disposal. It made me more resistant than ever to submit to His sovereignty, for I thought that God intended my damnation.

All this time, the Spirit of God was powerfully at work within me, pressing me to relinquish all self-confidence, all hope of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever. The conviction of my lost condition was sometimes so clear and overwhelming before my eyes that it felt as if it had been declared to me in words: “It is done, it is done—it is forever impossible to deliver yourself.” For about three or four days, my soul was deeply distressed, especially in certain moments when, for a few seconds, I felt completely lost and undone. But then, I would immediately shrink back from this realization, because I dared not entrust myself to God’s hands, knowing I was utterly helpless and subject to His sovereign will. I feared to face the truth about myself, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But when I had, as it were, pushed these thoughts away…

Whenever I lost sight of these views of myself, I felt distressed and longed to have the same revelations of my condition again, for I greatly feared being given over by God to final hardness of heart and spiritual insensitivity. Whenever I thought of putting off my convictions to a more convenient time, the sense of urgency became so strong and overwhelming that I knew the present moment was the best time—perhaps the only time—and I dared not delay. It was the awareness of the truth about myself—the truth about my fallen state, my alienation from God, and my inability to make any demands on Him for mercy—that terrified me. I realized I must submit entirely to the absolute sovereignty of the Divine Being. But my soul shrank away from this truth, trembling at the thought of beholding it. Thus, “he that does evil” (as all unregenerate men continually do) “hates the light of truth, neither comes to it, because it will reprove his deeds and reveal his just condemnation” (John 3:20). Though I had previously tried hard (or so I thought) to submit to the sovereignty of God, I completely misunderstood what true submission was. I had never imagined that seeing and being made experientially aware of this truth—which my soul now dreaded and trembled at—was the very state of humility that I had once so earnestly sought. Previously, I had hoped that when I had attained the proper level of humility, which I believed was necessary before faith, then surely it would not be fair for God to reject me. But now, I saw that my acknowledging my own spiritual deadness and complete lack of goodness was not a virtue at all, but rather a truth that would forever silence my objections. It became as dreadful to me to fully see myself and my relation to God as a sinner and a condemned criminal—while He stood as a great Judge and Sovereign—as it would be for a poor, trembling creature to step off the edge of a high precipice. And so, I hesitated—putting it off for just a moment or two…

I tried for better circumstances in which to submit to God’s sovereignty—whether by reading a passage or two, praying first, or doing something of that nature. Otherwise, I would postpone my submission with the objection that I did not know how to submit. But the truth was, I could see no safety in acknowledging myself to be in the hands of a sovereign God, nor could I lay claim to anything better than damnation.

But after spending a considerable amount of time in such exercises and distress, one morning, while I was walking in a solitary place as usual, I suddenly saw that all my efforts, all my plans and schemes to achieve or secure my own deliverance and salvation, were utterly in vain. I was brought to a complete standstill, realizing that I was entirely lost. Many times before, I had thought that the difficulties in my way were very great, but now I saw, in a completely new and different light, that it was forever impossible for me to do anything to help or save myself. At first, I thought of blaming myself for not having done more, for not being more diligent while I still had the opportunity. It seemed as though the time for action had passed forever. But at that very moment, I saw clearly that no matter what I might have done, it would have been just as useless as what I had already done. I realized that I had made every possible plea that I ever could have made—even for all eternity—and that all my pleas were in vain. The turmoil that had previously raged in my mind was now quieted, and I felt some relief from the distress I had suffered while resisting the truth about myself and the sovereignty of God. I now had absolute certainty that my state was eternally miserable, no matter what I did, and I was filled with wonder and astonishment that I had never fully realized this before.

In the time, while I remained in this state, my understanding of my duties became entirely different…

Before this, the more I performed religious duties, the more I thought God was obliged to reward me—or at least, the harder I thought it would be for God to reject me. At the same time, I acknowledged and even believed I understood that there was no goodness or merit in my actions. But now, the more I prayed or performed any other duty, the more I saw that I was indebted to God simply for allowing me the privilege of asking for mercy. I realized that self-interest had always been my true motive in prayer and that I had never once prayed out of a genuine desire to glorify God.

Now, I saw that there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the bestowal of divine mercy—that my prayers placed no obligation on God to grant me grace. In fact, I realized that my prayers had no more virtue or goodness in them than if I had merely been splashing my hands in water (which was the comparison that came to my mind at that time). This was because my prayers were never truly offered out of love or reverence for God.

I now saw that I had been accumulating my devotions before God—fasting, praying, and so on—pretending, and at times even truly believing, that I was seeking God’s glory. But in reality, I had never once sincerely intended it; my only true concern had been my own happiness. I saw that, since I had never done anything for God, I had no rightful claim to expect anything from Him. Instead, I deserved nothing but condemnation, because of my hypocrisy and self-deception.

Oh, how different my religious duties appeared to me now, compared to how they had before! In the past, I had acknowledged the sin and imperfection in them, but only in terms of distractions, wandering thoughts, and lack of focus—not because I lacked true reverence for God. I had thought that I truly had regard for God in my religious acts. But now, when I clearly saw that I had only ever been acting out of self-interest, my prayers and devotions appeared to be nothing more than a vile mockery of God, self-worship, and a continuous stream of lies.

Thus, I now saw that there was something even worse had attended my dties, than barely a few wanderings, and, for the whole was nothing but felt worship and an horrid abuse of God.