I Don’t Need Anything; I Just Want To See You

I Don’t Need Anything; I Just Want To See You!

by Lynne Wagner

Lynne Wagner is a devotee who currently serves in the
Dawn Horse Press. She lived and served for many years in
Bhagavan Adi Das Company, primarily as a school teacher for
His children. Lynne was a retreatant at Naitauba in June of
1995, the time of this Leela.

Over the twenty years of being Beloved Adi Das
devotee, I have always believed celibacy to be a quicker
route to Realization. And despite my difficulties with this
practice, I have often chosen it, feeling that if I did not
I would be forfeiting the many gifts Beloved has to
offer.

In June I was invited again to come to Turaga Dau
Loloma Naitaubashram on retreat. I came after three years of
being apart from my Beloveds Physical Form, and with the
unresolved issue of celibate practice still weighing on my
heart.

One of the first things that happened when I arrived
on Naitauba was Beloved Calling and asking if there were any
questions for gathering-especially from the new retreatants.
As I sat in the Communications office, I was afraid to say
anything. I listened to other peoples questions as they
proposed them to Beloved and wondered if I had any question
to ask. Suddenly it became obvious that the celibacy
“consideration” was my question, the question I had been
obsessing over for years! I then asked Beloved if it was
necessary for me to practice celibate renunciation in order
to grow in the Way of the Heart. Beloved didnt say anything
at the moment but said we might discuss it in the gathering
that night.

My chance to speak to Beloved Adi Da came up again in
the gathering a few hours later. I told Him that I had
missed Him greatly over the past three years and that I was
very grateful to be in His Company again. I then told Him
that I felt I would never grow as a practitioner unless I
practiced celibate renunciation. Here is His Compassionate
and Humorous Response:

ADI DA SAMRAJ: The body-mind might like celibacy-you do
not like it! [Beloved laughs.] I mean, the body, the
body-mind just as it is, might not mind it at all. But your
disposition, of course, mentally expressed and so on, is
disinclined towards it. This body itself, as a structure,
does not mind celibate renunciation, nor does the mind, just
as free energy without any strategy or purpose to add to the
body.

In other words, you, in your own personal disposition
associated with that mechanism there, cannot come up with a
reason to be a celibate renunciate because you are largely
thinking of it in sexual terms. Celibate renunciation is not
about sexuality basically, nor is it about a negative
opinion relative to sexuality, or a negative choice relative
to sexuality itself We discussed this here at length
recently.

Fundamentally, not only in the Way of the Heart but
traditionally, what I call celibate renunciation has not
been, except of course in some circles, a matter of deciding
that sex is something negative, or just that you must
exhaust yourself sexually before you can choose celibate
renunciation. Celibate renunciation its about the
relinquishment of “bonding”-“bonding” to the world,
“bonding” to conditional existence. Bondage is
relinquished.

Through ego-based “bonding”, all bondage occurs. So that
is necessarily the element of bondage in all sexual
activity, all sexual relationships. But what is renounced in
celibate renunciation is not sex but bondage, and therefore
the “bonding” effort, the “bonding” principle. From that,
follows a discipline relative to sexuality, as in most any
other kind of activity, in which the “bonding” motive may be
exercised.

Celibate renunciation in this Way is not a sex-negative
practice, or something that is based on a sex-negative
decision. It is based on understanding oneself relative to
bondage and all of the games of “bonding”. Rather than sex
being renounced, then, the use of sex for the purpose of
“bonding”, to make the effect of bondage, is what is
renounced.

You seem to be confronting this matter as a sex
question-as people have often done in these
“considerations”. And it is not a sex question.
Fundamentally it is a question about bondage and the motive
toward “bonding”, dependency and all the rest.

LYNNE: I felt that somehow the opportunity to be sexually
active was an attachment to something I needed or wanted. I
understood that was bondage.

ADI DA SAMRAJ: It is “bonding” first of all. Attachment
is “bonding”, and dependency on various things, including
perhaps even practical things, being taken care of, and so
forth-the whole range of things-and also being pleasurized,
or having the comforts of association. These are all
“bonding” motives or activities.

And you must observe the entirety of your life, which is
all about “bonding” to this, that, and the other
thing-“bonding” to the body-mind, “bonding” to the world,
“bonding” to conditional existence, “bonding” to having a
world-the whole notion of having a world. So in the course
of your practice and “consideration” altogether, you may
come to the point of an acute sense of the bondage
associated with all of your “bonding” life. And this is the
basis for celibate renunciation. It is also the basis for
magnification of a true., essential, renunciate,
ego-renouncing disposition, in any context of practice in
the Way of the Heart.

All of My devotees are called to renunciation-not in the
ascetical sense, and not necessarily in the celibate
renunciate sense. But as My devotee, you renounce egoity in
every moment. You practice Ishta-Guru-Bhakti Yoga. You
renounce bondage. But you may come to a point of an acute
awareness of the bondage effect of all of your “bonding”.
And then, along with being acutely aware of a profound
impulse to Realize Me, you might choose celibate
renunciation. That choice made on that basis, can of course
quicken practice profoundly. But these factors must be
there.

LYNNE: I remember one time we were having a conversation
and You Said, “Who is more attractive, You, or Me?” And I
said, “You are, Beloved.” You then Said, “Well then, one of
us better get out of town!”

I definitely feel that that is the whole Truth. It is
about whether I am choosing You or myself. I for a long time
tried to make that choice willfully. But it feels to me that
it can only be made truly, from the heart, because you are
my Master. And I cannot do it to myself. There has to be a
greater motive, and a great Attraction. And that its why I
practice-because I am profoundly attracted to You and What
You are and What You Shine.

You are the Most Magnificent, and the entire
Communication of Who You Are and What you Are. I feel that.
But at that point of “consideration” (celibacy), I was just
feeling myself and what I was going to be giving up, and my
bondage and my attachment.

ADI DA SAMRAJ: Then you start not consulting your heart,
but your self egoically and all your adaptations, motives.
You also have to understand that celibate renunciation is
not the ideal in the Way of the Heart, such that if you are
really good you choose it, and if you are not any good you
do not. It is not that.

LYNNE: Its not?

ADI Da SAMRAJ: No. There are many options relative to the
life-circumstance in terms of practice in this Way. And
celibate renunciation is not idealized. It is one of the
options relative to the circumstance in which you practice.
There are others, as I Said, including intimate
relationships and so on. So on whatever basis, you can
choose your life-circumstance. But to choose Me to begin
with, to make this vow of devotion, practice, the Way
itself, is to have some fundamental understanding, feeling,
about the bondage of your existence and feeling the motive
to go beyond it. Clearly that is what it is about for
everyone. All My devotees are renunciates, then, in that
sense.

So the question is, then, what should be the circumstance
of your practice of this renunciation? And that is an
individual matter. And as I Said, there is no ideal. There
are numerous options. It is a realistic matter. What mode of
practice, what life-circumstance of practice can you choose,
and live with energy in, dance in? Celibate renunciate or in
intimacy or whatever, you have got to keep dancing. You have
to do this devotion. It is a happy renunciate life. So that
is what you have to find out. What is the mode of
life-practice-yes, discipline, yes, renunciate in the
devotional sense-but what mode of life-practice is the one
you can choose?

It is not a matter of consulting the ego. It is
consulting the heart. But it is also a matter of your moment
of maturity and the intensity of your motive to Realize Me.
How much you are willing to cope with? How much you want to
let go of? So there are many factors in it.

It is also a matter of growth. Some devotees may involve
themselves in intimate relationship, and then over time
become celibate in that relationship, or may choose celibate
renunciation at some point. Others may continue to remain in
intimacy and sexually active. I have Given all kinds of
Instruction about this. My Instruction to you about true
intimacy and sexual Yoga is an Instruction about how to
conform your emotional-sexual life to Me, to the purpose of
this Way. It is how to make intimacies essentially into a
renunciate practice-in which you go beyond the “bonding”
impediments that are otherwise associated with intimacy.

So the devotees in this gathering that are involved in
intimate relationships are not supposed to be just a bedroom
community of householders. I Call them to be renunciates.
The practice of true intimacy goes beyond the
“bonding”-bondage exchanges, emotionally and so on. The
Yogic practice sexually goes beyond the “bonding”-bondage
limitations in sex practice itself. I have Instructed you
how to make these intimacies, sexually active or not, into a
true renunciate practice that conforms to Me-and that is, in
fact, the exercise of Ishta-Guru-Bhakti Yoga, in which both
partners support the others impulse to Realize Me, rather
than just create bondage for one another, and play out
“Oedipal” games, worldly games, worldly purposes, all the
reactive dramatizations, and so forth. Instead, they do this
renunciate discipline of true intimacy and sexual Yoga.

So as long as that is what you need to dance as My
devotee., you do that Yoga. And if you come to some point
where you are so acutely aware that even that binds you too
much, not only to sex and your intimate partner and so
forth, but just about the whole display of life, of bondage
that you just cannot tolerate, would not tolerate, because
you have such a profound impulse to Realize Me, and such a
profound revulsion to bondage itself, then you might choose
celibate renunciation. Celibate renunciation is about
relinquishing the bondage associated with the “bonding”
motive.

It is not a sex-negative practice, however. Essentially,
it is an own-body Yoga sexually. So it is not a sex-negative
practice. It deals very directly with sexuality, as the
people involved in intimacy must. It is just that it is
dealt with completely apart from the “bonding” motive, and
is associated with a consistent relinquishment of the
“bonding” motive, “bonding” activity, and all the bondage
associated with that.

But even to practice in intimacy, you must be practicing
in such a way that you are relinquishing the egoic
disposition, the bondage intention or effect associated with
your “bonded” intimacy. You must do it there, too. So it is
strictly an individual matter associated with your maturity,
your impulse to Realize, and your degree of sensitivity to
bondage altogether-“bonding” to the world and the result of
bondage. It is these factors that determine in an individual
case whether to choose celibate renunciation as their
circumstance of practice or intimacy. Basically those are
the two options. [June 5, 1995]

Throughout this “consideration”, Beloved brought me to
feel that I could relax about my life-choice. If celibacy
occurred as a natural expression of my practice of
Ishta-Guru-Bhakti Yoga, it would not be a stressful and
agonizing ordeal to make the choice. I would be doing it for
the sake of Realization; I would be doing it in response to
Him.

At the end of this conversation Beloved turned to me
and Said, “Are you relaxed about all of this, then?”

I told Him that I was, and I was very grateful for His
Instruction and His Purifying Grace. I had been motivated to
choose celibacy in a strategic effort to “earn” Realization
by doing the right thing. Suddenly I felt relieved of my
self-imposed obligation to be a celibate or fail at
practice. My heart-response to my Beloved Ishta-Guru was the
foundation of true practice not, good behavior.

Several days later Beloved Adi Da was gathering aboard
the Turaga Dau Loloma with many devotees. As He gathered I
was in the retreat dorm in a discussion group with several
ladies. I felt absolutely mad with the need to see my
Beloved Guru. I wanted to be on the boat with Adi Da, but
only Ashram residents had been invited to the gathering. I
kept thinking “I am on retreat now. The right thing to do is
stay here in my group. Adi Da doesn’t want me to be with
Him.” I was depressed and sulky about it, but the more we
talked about Beloved, the more distracted I became by my
love for Him. Suddenly I felt no doubt or reservation – I
had to see Him! Nothing was going to keep me away!

I jumped up out of my group and yelled to everybody,
“It’s time!” I ran out of the dorm and raced down to beach –
all the way to Nukusa without stopping. The ladies all
chased after me, calling “Wait, wait for us!” I was so full
of love for Beloved that the whole way down I yelled His
Name at the top of my lungs, “Beloved! Beloved!” When I got
to Nukusa I stopped and I yelled one more time, calling from
my heart to Him.

“Whos out there?” He yelled across the water.

“Its Lynne!”.

“What do you need?”

“I don’t need anything, I just want to see
you.”

“Our consideration is complete, is it not?”

Yes, it is Beloved.”

“And I Bless your relationship with Tom,” He yelled
again.

“I love You and so does Tom,” I shouted to
Him.

“I know,” He boomed back.

We were shouting back and forth across the water to
one another in the dark at the top of our lungs. And His
Voice was clear and strong and so full of Love as it came to
me. We could hear each other perfectly.

Then He yelled in an ominous voice and commanded me,
“Go back to the retreat quarters. You will receive My
Darshan tomorrow!”

I felt very annoyed! I paused for a minute and then
yelled back, “I dont like that!”

I could hear Beloveds laughter and everyone on the
boat laughed with Him, surprised and delighted by my
straightforward response.

“Im going to swim out to the boat!” I yelled.

“Don’t do that, you might drown,” He warned.

“I’m going to swim out to the boat!” I yelled again. I
started wading out in to the water.

“Dont swim out, well send a boat for you!”

Soon after, a boat came to pick me up and I was able
to see Beloved Adi Da, as I had so greatly longed to all
day. This incident showed me how to be completely honest
with Beloved. Because I was so in love with Him, our
conversation was light and happy. I did not care if I got
“in trouble”. I did not care if I did the “right thing” or
the “wrong thing”, or if it was appropriate or not. The
“Oedipal” relationship that I dramatized with Him throughout
the years of my sadhana, and especially throughout the
celibacy “considerations”, dropped away in that moment as I
was just moved from the heart by my attraction to
Him.