Do You Have A Guru?

I’ve never in my life had a
conversation or dialogue with any teacher or Guru, I’ve
studied. I don’t even know if any one of two major teachers,
who I’ve studies most of my adult life, even know (knew, one
has died) my name.

Given that introduction, do you I
have a Guru?

That was the question my good friend
asked me as he sat in my living room after dinner. It was a
question he had asked me before, but this time it was
different. It was different because it was a different time.
The Guru was in town and I had just gone to see
him.

I answered by asking him, “what do
you mean when you say Guru”? I wasn’t trying to be evasive,
I honestly was trying to be precise. Another friend across
the room said, “it’s a direct question, do you or don’t
you”.

Seems simple enough. Do you or don’t
you have a Guru?

Well, to be honest, Yes and to be
truthful No. And I’m not playing word games, this is my most
honest answer. I could argue (with myself) both sides of the
answer and I could play out both sides of the answer to
someone else. I could have answered either way.

See the problem for me is it’s not
all that simple or maybe I’m just confused.

In the common ordinary conversation
and understanding, a Guru is a person who another follows as
if he were God or someone close to God, who can then lead
you to God, Truth or Reality.

But I have never followed anyone (no
myself) in matters of the spirit. I’ve only followed my most
deepest intuition. A feeling so deep I don’t even know who,
what or where it is. I’ve seen the limitations of what I
call ‘me’ and I’ve seen and felt the – what Adi Ca calls the
self-contraction – most directly. What ‘resources’ do ‘I’
have?…..none, zero. All ‘options’ are ways to avoid what
is. So, to try and describe, and answer a seemingly simple
question, is not so simple.

I don’t even know if it’s a feeling.
I do know it’s a kind of ‘sensing’ for sure, but it’s not
separated out from ‘being’ or ‘living’ or ‘awareness’. It
seems to be all of these things all at once. It’s the
breath, consciousness and life all rolled up into one. It’
doesn’t seem to have a ‘mind’ connected to it, yet at the
same time the ‘eyes’ of my mind seem to sense it. If I close
my or open my eyes there isn’t any difference. I don’t have
a ‘concept’ or ‘idea’ about it. It just seems to be ‘there’.
Somehow deep but yet ‘obvious’. It is centered in the heart,
but no the physical heart. The Feeling Heart, a feeling
location at the level of the physical heart. It is more AT
the heart then in the heart.

Are you still with me?

I have studied with two major
teachers, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and Adi Da Samraj. I have
studies their teachings, been in their physical company and
I have lived and taught in their communities. I have never
spoken with either of them. I have never asked either of
them a question. I have seen them interact with others in
person but never had any personal interaction with either of
them.

So when my friend asks me if I have
a Guru, to me this implies I have some relationship with a
person who has a relationship with me, in personal terms.
This kind of question is not unlike asking a fan if he has a
relationship with a Hollywood star. On one hand the answer
is no. They don’t, the star doesn’t know them. But on the
other hand they do, since it’s more than just the person it
may have to do with the qualities that person
represents.

But when you’re talking about a Guru
you’re not talking about a Hollywood star and role models.
You’re talking about someone who is far more subtle than the
conventional personality. And this is where my evasiveness,
confusion or what I believe my paradox lies.