Beezone Interview Series
with Stephan Blas
Session 6
“Oh Shit, I’m in Trouble Now”
The Gift of Sadhana – Relationship
“Oh Shit, I’m in Trouble Now”
The Gift of Sadhana – Relationship
Paul and Stephan
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“Spiritual life is a demand, not a form of therapy, and this demand does not make life easy but it does change it into a creative affair. And one of its qualities or signs is persistence. Persistence is a fundamental requirement in the case of someone doing sadhana.”
Adi Da Samraj
Stephan: On the island of Naitauba in the spring of 1992, a small group of us were involved in an intensive Reality Consideration with Beloved. As I said, this was a very intense time and this small intimate group were separated out from the rest of the culture. We were basically just around Beloved 24/7.
You’re getting to know me a little bit by the stories I’ve been telling. I’ve mentioned to you in some of these previous sessions that I’m always carrying a level of fear in me. I know everyone has some fear, but that quality was a major part of my personality. Not always visible you know, but there all the same. So, when it came to Reality Considerations, which had always been going on at one time or another for sometime now, I always found a way to avoid them. The ones that had to do with sexuality specifically. This was because I was fucking freaked out about all of that. I just couldn’t handle it.
“Individuals are terrified in the face of the Divine. Because in the Face of the Divine there is the Demand and The Revelation. The Demand is The sacrifice of self and the Revelation is there is only God, your present state. If the Demand is not made there is only separate existence – ego – and fear, contraction. The more subtle the realization the more obvious the contraction and separation.”
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Even though I was a serving in the house and serving Beloved during these times, I would find a way to stay more on the outskirts and not get too personally involved. And until this particular one, 1992, I don’t know why. And maybe it was just the process had brought me to that point where I actually wanted to. I wanted to participate. I wanted to be, I wanted to go through this consideration with Beloved. I had no idea what it was going to reveal. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew that it was going to further address my emotional sexual situation.
I remember writing a letter to Beloved because I was actually making an application to be considered to go through this intense period of time with him. So, I wrote this letter and I started describing all of the sexual incidents of my life from early childhood on. And in every aspect, in every detail, I literally put it all out there because I wanted him to see that one, I wasn’t whatchamacallit? A prude. What do you call it? What they call Americans sometimes?
Ed: Puritan.
Stephan: Puritan. Yeah. I wanted to show them that I wasn’t a Puritan. I wasn’t coming from a Puritan perspective and that I have had an incredible amount of experience in the area of sexuality. And therefore I felt that I had the proof that I could participate in the consideration that encountered this area without too much of a problem. So, just by writing the letter, I was going beyond, something had already changed through his purification. As I mentioned in that earlier story with the crying and all of that, of releasing some of that fear, releasing some of that trying to keep it hidden that whole area of my life, and then agreeing to put it on the line and agreeing to participate in this little private kind of consideration and puja. So, I got accepted, I got to fully join the other people who many of the others had already been involved in that kind of consideration in the more depthful way several times before. So, I was just joining the club at that point, if you get my meaning.
Ed: Go back to the group, you’re now going back in there, this point of the process. You’re not with Paul, you’re not with any of this matching up between Nick and Julie or you and Paul?
Stephan: I was in a kind of a unique situation in the sense that I was clearly the “homosexual” of the group. Periodically Beloved would say, we need to have a larger gathering in which we would include all of the community that lived on Naitauba that serve the Island and in one form or another. Because he was only meeting with the small group of people. And when he would call for a larger gathering, then we would all be together and converse with Beloved about whatever, anything dharmic and we played music and danced and we were having beer and cigarettes at those times.
Basically I’m kind of describing a party like atmosphere. And people dress up nice and whatnot, all that kind of stuff. So, that’s what we would do on that occasion. And this one particular occasion was that, that a night like that in a big gathering, lots and lots of people, lots of energy, Beloved sitting in his chair and I’m sitting there on the side of Beloved attending him and serving him his beverage and doing all those little, little things like that. So, then Beloved calls me over and he says something in my ear, which he would do on occasion, like maybe he would give me a message for somebody or another. So, this time he had a message for Paul. He was looking across the room at Paul and he said to communicate to Paul that he is not a celibate renunciant and that he’s a homosexual.
Ed: Let me ask you, did he, did Paul have any history or background or play in his sexuality as being a homosexual prior to?
Stephan: Yeah. He was in a relationship with someone before once or more, so, yeah. But he was really feeling his relationship with Beloved so strongly that he was kind of what he was, he wanted to apply to be just serve Beloved and be a celibate renunciant.
Ed: Right. But did the homosexual aspect come out of left field? I mean, it wasn’t like, “Oh.”
Stephan: No, no, it didn’t. It didn’t other than the fact that we were all just previously to the gatherings, we were all celibate renunciant. So, you kind of put that becomes erased from your kind of existence, it really does. I mean, I know it sounds weird, but when you assume a discipline, you really do assume it and it kind of gets played out as if it’s a 100% for real and forever.
Ed: Right. Right.
Stephan: So, when we come to this segment of the story about Beloved, introducing me to Paul, I would say, one thing I could say about it is it’s as if everything that in my hearts desire. And if I was smart enough to be able to figure out what that was, I would say that this thing that he did with Paul and I was the answer to all of that. And it was to bring me, everything that I was bereft of and that I suffered and that I felt victimized by, and that I was trying to get away from, and I was trying to change. And I was trying to be spiritual, all of that, something in this next moment was the culmination. And it wasn’t so, it wasn’t like one of the maha spiritual experiences that I have had, it was a human experience. That was for me as mind-blowing and awesome as what an experience could ever be.
Ed: Okay. I’m with you there. I want to go to that moment where he calls you over and he wants you to communicate to Paul, that he’s a homosexual. So, you’re now given the instructions to go over to Paul?
Stephan: Yes. Because Paul was really seriously applying to be a celibate renunciant devotee to live around Beloved and to have that be his particular discipline of life and Sadhana. So, he was very seriously approaching Beloved in that particular lifestyle. And Beloved was very receptive to him. Paul was also, someone who had, he was very prone to spiritual experiences. So, often in Beloved’s company, he would go ecstatic and start doing things that most devotees would not do. So, readily in terms of the kinds of kriyas and ecstatic dancing, and speaking in tongues. I mean, it was just nonstop with him. He was so, receptive to Beloved’s spiritual influence. So, it was kind of, it seemed pretty matter of fact, that Paul would choose the route of being a celibate renunciate not bothering with relationships or sexuality or any of that stuff. And just doing it this other way.
Ed:
Did you know him prior to being directed over to him?
Stephan: I wouldn’t say I knew him. I certainly, he was an acquaintance. Someone I’ve met before I knew from a distance, but my life was pretty much completely focused just around Beloved and his intimate sphere. So, anything outside of that, I really didn’t have much to do with at all.
Ed: All right. So, you walk over there?
Stephan: Yes. I walk over there with two other people. One person is Jonathan and the other person was Mo. And Mo Whiteside was also, in the reality consideration. Paul was not. And Mo and I had been a couple years earlier. So, these are two people who I know very well, you can say, I know both of these people intimately. And so, we’re all coming to speak to Paul and all of us having had homosexual periods of our life and some more than others, I would say probably me the most. And so, we’re coming to help deliver this message from Beloved to Paul and also, to maybe help him receive the message.
I remember the discussion beginning where we’re basically just, I probably just relayed Beloved’s message to Paul directly. And then immediately of course, the questions started coming. I believe Paul started crying immediately. And then I think Mo was the most vocal because he was the more senior person when it came to Reality Considerations, especially in the sexual, emotional area. He had more experience with being involved in that. So, he was asking Paul questions like, “So, what do you want to do? What are you going to do about that?”
Mo was a little bit more experienced in how we had these considerations with Beloved and how he didn’t really, he didn’t waste time. He got directly to the point. And even if it meant a major life change, we’re used to going through lifetimes very quickly around Beloved, which was extremely extraordinary just that in itself. So, I could feel Paul struggling maybe a little bit with feeling how to answer these all of a sudden make decisions now because his whole life he had already decided it was going to look like this and it was going to be demonstrated in a certain style.
So, now he’s being given a whole other direction. Now he’s a sexual person, so he doesn’t have to go the route that he was going, where that was all going to be behind him. Now it’s in front of him. And he was a homosexual person on top of that. So, that’s another very specific segment of that consideration. And so, then the question is, “Okay, so, who are you attracted to?” He opens his eyes wide and he looks at me and he’s responds with Stephan. He just says it. And I’m telling you, it was like a movie. The music started playing, the light got brighter. There started like angel feathers, started flowing from heaven.
I mean it literally felt like that. And I was just… don’t ask me what happened because prior to that, Paul was just someone I knew and I never really even thought of that much. And I was just, it was almost like my heart just like was breaking open right at that instant. So, now all of this is happening right in front of Beloved. He’s sitting, oh gosh, I don’t know what the distance would be. Is it 20 feet, 30 feet, 40 feet, 50 feet. I don’t know. It’s a big room. And where we’re at kind of the far end distance from where his chair is, but it’s certainly close enough where everybody can see each other very clearly in detail.
Something happens when I look into Paul’s eyes and he looks into mine and it was some kind of almost like a magical thing. And it was as if, and we talked about this all night from that moment on all night, all we talk about was how we felt like we knew each other, from a past life and that we’d been looking for each other without knowing it. And we didn’t know it until we found each other. And so, from that moment on, he was my long lost other.
Ed: Beloved is looking on does he say anything?
Stephan: Beloved is looking at this completely and totally and a 100%. And now I’m also, I’m crying my eyes out too, because what’s happened. I’ve never experienced what’s happening right now. Never, other than maybe some ecstatic moments with Beloved himself where my heart gets burst open and taken over. And that wildflower in love period happens. And it’s clearly Beloved’s gift and all that. But never with another person, never with a human type only with God, that’s always permitted. So, this was totally new to me. So, I turn around and I look at Beloved, he’s staring straight at me and he responds with the biggest shit-eating grin that I’d ever seen him do almost like the Cheshire Cat in Alice In Wonderland just a gigantic shit-eating grin.
“Okay, now you’re going to get some Sadhana.”
I received it in a very strange way. I didn’t necessarily receive it as a positive, I actually received it… Because like I said, it was a kind expressed in an extreme way. That’s why I mentioned the Cheshire Cat not just a smile of, “This is my gift to you,” or like that it was that plus, now it was almost like, “Okay, now you’re going to get some Sadhana.”
Ed: Right, right.
“Oh shit, I’m in trouble now.”
Stephan: That’s sort of how I took it in my feeling. And I looked back at Paul and I thought, “Oh shit, I think I’m in trouble.” No, I’m serious. I really did feel that deep in my soul and my heart, I thought, “Oh fuck, what is going to happen now?” But I couldn’t stop what was already occurring. And literally every second that Paul and I stayed together and held on to each other and continued to cry, literally we couldn’t stop crying and continued to speak to each other as if we had just met for the first time in our lives, after years of searching.
I turned back again to look at Beloved and once again, the big shit-eating grin, he just literally shot me in the heart with an arrow with that look. And then once again, I was like, “Oh shit, I’m in trouble now.” I didn’t know why I was saying that, why I was feeling that, that’s just what I was feeling. And this happened for one more time, a third time, I turned to look at Beloved and a third time the exact same thing happened and I knew something had changed. And I knew something had changed that was going to be significant in my life, in my relationship to Beloved in my relationship to everything. I knew something had shifted, but I didn’t know what it was. And I was a little freaking out at the same time I was falling deeply in love with Paul.
So, much so, that I started running around the room and telling all of my closest friends, most all who were in that very intense reality consideration with me, that was still going on. In fact, that night we were going to finish this celebration gathering with the devotees and then the small group of us with Beloved we’re going to go off and continue. Because it was never, it was always a nonstop thing. And that was also, changing our lives to that particular aspect of in-depth consideration. That was changing our lives in me because it’s so, intense, you don’t realize it until later.
So, both those two things were happening at the same time. And so, now that I found Paul I’m like loony, I’m kind of like, “I crossed over the edge.” I’m not the same person. I’m not even talking the same. And I tell all my friends, “I’m going over the falls, I’m going over the waterfalls. I am jumping. I am taking the fucking leap. I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, but I’m doing it.” And they all thought I was crazy. They thought, “Oh fuck, what’s going on with Stephan, he’s losing it.” And I said, “That’s it. I’ve found Paul and I’ve never felt this way in my life.” Here I am, I was 42 at this point, and Paul’s younger, he’s was 31.
“It was the first time I got a sense, just a sense that I could feel that, that person was more important than maybe even myself”
And I literally never felt this way about a person before never and never actually felt it was possible because it was unknown to me. And all of a sudden I’m having all of these deep feelings and they’re almost like other than the Guru, it was the first time I got a sense, just a sense that I could feel that, that person was more important than maybe even myself. In other words, that’s how I cared for that person. And I never felt that before. And except for through the Guru’s grace, when he brings you to ecstasy and all that stuff, and you feel that way with him, but that’s different. It’s different because it’s not that intimate human kind of, but more what people do when they fall in love with each other, all that kind of stuff, it’s different, but it’s not different. What can I say.
Anyway so, this is what’s happening. Everybody thinks I’m crazy. I’m running around saying that “I’m in love, I’m going off over the waterfalls.” And then at a certain point, Beloved says, it’s time to call the troops to gather. And that was usually my job to let everybody know that it’s time to go into the other area. And just those of us who are having this consideration with Beloved we’ll now go and do that. And everybody else, and we usually do that in the Matrix, which is a whole another area, a whole other part of the Island. And it’s separate from the village where all the devotees live and all that, you know what I’m saying?
Ed: Yes.
Stephan: So, it was time to change venues. And I went up to Beloved without any hesitation. And I just said, “Beloved, I want to bring Paul. I want Paul to come with us. May I please bring him?” And I have to tell you, if you knew me, I would never ever speak like that to Beloved. I was very, very, there was always a sense, no matter how intimate, oh, maybe when I was drunk a few times, I said I told you, I said some silly casual thing.
Ed: But that’s kind of casual human-to-human. I guess that’s what I’m feeling is that you would say as a person-to-person.
Stephan: Right. Yeah exactly. And I would never treat him like an ordinary person. Or speak to him that way. And maybe that’s why I always got to have the services that I had. Maybe part of that was because I didn’t get into a casual thing. But this time I just blurted it out and literally, and I’m right in front of Beloved, I’m touching his arms and his legs. And I’m just saying, just like Beloved is like my friend that I’m saying, “Oh, I got to bring my other friend there.” This is a reality consideration that no one participates in other than those that kind of, because you’re going through a kind of fire.
Ed: Yeah. A terrifying fire from what, other people have said.
Stephan:
Extremely and only if you’re so naive and idealistic would you ever choose to want to do that. But anyway, Beloved says, “Oh, okay.” And now that I’m telling you this, it’s only right now in this moment that I’m speaking to you, I am getting the sense of what actually occurred there, in between Beloved and I because I’ve never spoken about it in this particular way before. Beloved responded to me, the way that I responded to him, in other words because I could come to him with energy and with no sense of self-contraction or self… What do you call it? What I always thought of myself, self… I don’t know, self-concern, whatever. I did that was gone. And I was just coming in directly I said, “This is my request.” So, he just responded in like, “Okay.” And that there is just the beginning of a sign that I’ll talk more of what started changing between Beloved and I.
What was the change in how Stephan ‘saw’ Adi Da?
Divine Becomes Human
“The Next Step”
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