Beezone Interview Series
with Stephan Blas
Session 7
Choices
“I am Not Your Significant Other”
The Test of Love
Choices
“I am Not Your Significant Other”
The Test of Love
“My Teaching Instruction is Revelation Literature and the Leelas of My Work are a Revelation History and it must be communicated to people so that it becomes functional in them as Lessons about the nature of life and right practice and lessons relative to the illusions that arise and the errors that arise in the midst of life experience and also in the midst of even esoteric practice. …all must seriously study this Way in order to practice it seriously”
Adi Da Samraj
Stephan, Adi Da, and Paul
***
“Your intimate relations are for the sake of transcending yourself, not fulfilling yourself.
Understand this. It is so.“
Adi Da Samraj, Duty, Tolerance, and self-Transcendence
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Ed: There is a key point in the emotional sexual consideration that I’d like to explore with you a little bit more. You were given Paul in a gathering. In the ecstasy of the moment, in the ecstasy of what that was it wasn’t the end of one thing and the beginning of another. It wasn’t just a simple “ride home”, or a blissful “over the waterfalls” moment – nor was it just falling into God’s gracious arms.
Listen to Stephan continue – click triangle
Stephan: No. I knew this was going to change my life significantly. I didn’t know how. I had no idea how, but I did know clearly that my life was over as I knew it, and then I was soon to find out exactly what that meant.
Ed: Right. One of the things that I’m getting aware of here is this isn’t like your arranged marriage where your grandmother comes with a neighbor and says, “Okay, you’re given this person.” This is a Divine gift.
Stephan: Yes. It’s a totally new life. I was actually given, at that moment, unbeknownst to myself, I was given a whole new life …
Ed: Right.
Stephan: … that was not going to look like anything from before. Not from my childhood before, and not even from my time living with Beloved, directly, and personally, and lovingly. Now, I want to just say one quick thing before I forget. I want to just describe what was going on in my relationship with Beloved at the same time.
Ed: Yes, please.
“I couldn’t hide from it anymore”
Stephan: This is very, very important because this was also a magical, a very magical change had started to happen. All of this is from, remember, I was telling you that we were going through these difficult considerations, emotional sexual, and then that thing happened to me (see session 6) where the words and the communication that Beloved was saying that particular night, went inside my body and opened up areas deep in my body, in my heart. I fell into that wound that I had to feel. I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t hide from it anymore. As I told you in that earlier session, that I didn’t realize how big a change that was. That change, that opening, released something in my heart, and some scars from my upbringing had allowed. I didn’t realize it then, but I should have gotten it from that little secret when he responded on the phone call and said, “Yes, maybe love is what True Hearing is.”
Whatever those words mean, Love, True, Hearing, what it felt like to me was that I started the fear mode that I operated from, in general, in other words, that was usually there regardless, even around serving Beloved, something of that got lifted and peeled away. I didn’t even know it happened. I just described to you what I felt happened, but I did not know what the ramifications were but what I started observing. When you’re going through it, even though you’re observing, you’re not standing there saying, “Oh, this happened.” or, “Oh, that happened.” You’re living. This is your life. You’re just observing what’s going on in your life, so you don’t have time to sit back and write about it or think about it.
Ed: You’re in it.
Stephan: Yeah. I’m only thinking about it right now, as I’m talking to you, Ed. What I’m realizing is that the way Beloved and I interacted with each other, and I would say most especially the way I was interacting with him, but I didn’t notice it, part of his gift, what he did to this whole character that I presume is a body-mind, I started relating to him in a much more relaxed, and loving, and friendly manner.
“This is as profound as anything that’s ever occurred to me.”
Over a very short period of time, he started relating to me in the same way. I’m telling you, Ed, as minor as this may sound …
Ed: Minor is not.
Stephan: … this is as profound as anything that’s ever occurred to me. I don’t need those highs, spiritual experiences. I’m telling you this human …
Ed:
That’s the key word.
Stephan: … change is so profound to me. I wish everybody in the whole world could experience it.
Ed: This is what I hear you saying, and this is what Julie has always emphasized, the human quality of a relationship. It brings it out of the, if you will, the divine dimension or the divine matrix.
Stephan: Another way of saying it is it brings the divine dimension into the human dimension.
Ed: Into the human self. Right, right. Exactly. Exactly.
Stephan: That’s how I see it from being around Beloved.
Ed: Yeah, no, that’s exactly right. You’re right.
Stephan: Prior to His gift of putting Paul and I together, he had already enacted these transformations in myself personally, such that there was different ways of enacting just the ordinary relationship itself, and he allowed me to do that with him. He reciprocated with me, such that, and this is what it ended up, it was as if Beloved and I were like brothers, real brothers, who not only loved each other, but you didn’t even have to express that love, because when it’s already assumed, you don’t have to act it out because both parties are just assuming it. What happens is there’s just this flow of energy, even in the most common exchange of, “Hey, Stephan, could you put that over there?” or, “Hey, Stephan, can you let everybody know that we’re going to be gathering in a few minutes.” Whatever the exchange is, it doesn’t matter because what’s actually happening is we are the conductivity of his energy and my energy. My energy and his energy is so smooth, harmonious, relaxed, that we are speaking to each other from the presumption of love already.
“Your practice involves devotional recognition of Me As I Am. Where you Stand, Prior to attention and “objects”. My Blessing-Transmission is Magnified There, just There. I am Doing Work just There. Truly, It cannot even be called a “Work”. It is merely a Matter of Being. Merely Being.
Charlies Place, 1983
Ed: That’s what the dance was, the more ecstatic form, that you were absolutely in concert, if you will.
Stephan: Totally. I wasn’t only in concert, I wasn’t there! In some real sense, I wasn’t there. The Divine took over, and that was fine with me. “Thank you, Lord.”
Ed: Well, that’s the Samadhi of it. That’s the Samadhi of it. Right, right, right. I’m reminded of a meeting with Ramana Maharshi at the Ramana Maharshi Mahasamadhi site. He said it’s like meeting his twin brother.
Stephan: Anyway, let’s put it this way. I was happier than a pig in shit around Beloved. I had never experienced this type of relationship with him before that was so comfortable, but not casual. It wasn’t casual in that sense. It was so intimate, and it was the first time that I actually felt that I was part of his family. I was the 10th Kanya. I mean, I was always treated that way by Beloved, but I never allowed myself to feel that way. I always felt there was something wrong with me, and so I no longer felt that way and this was his gift. This was what I received from the beginning to the end of this Reality Consideration. Now that I’m speaking about it, I realized what a fucking incredible, unbelievable, extraordinary puja that that was, and how can we ever be able to explain to others who haven’t had that exact same thing.
It just sounds so, when you talk about sex and sexual things, your mind just knows what it knows and just presumes what it presumes and you know, and yet it’s not that at all. It’s something beyond. It includes it, but it goes beyond it.
Ed: I want to move on now. You’re in the Reality Consideration. This is now just beginning to be a place where you would be now leaving the island. This is what the end result of this is. Right?
Stephan: Well, yeah. That’s definitely one of the results for sure. Before we get to that moment …
Ed: Right. I just want to stay on the trajectory.
“My attention was going to an other”
Stephan: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. There was a couple of times actually, because we’re still involved in the Reality Consideration, so it doesn’t mean your work is done, and then you’re not going to have some more volcanic lava thrust from the volcano for the purification to do. At two different occasions, and I don’t even remember the details. I think that maybe I was criticized later in my service to Beloved because I was distracted, which was true. (laughter) Now my attention was going to an other. For the first time there’s an other that I just can’t get enough of, and it’s not Beloved. I mean, it is to some degree. Just some of the normal services, if I could get someone else to handle it, and I could spend more time with Paul, obviously I would try to get away with it because “I was in love” like any other silly fool who falls in love. You just want to spend time with that person.
I started getting some critique from Beloved, some notes showing that I was distracted, and I didn’t have my attention on my service, and this, that, and the other thing. There was two weeks where I was “suspended” from my service to Beloved, (laughter) which didn’t bother me a bit because that meant I got two weeks to basically spend with Paul almost full time in the village. I remember Mo telling me, “I think Beloved’s giving you a honeymoon is what he’s doing.” I thought, “Oh, okay, that’s cool.” I did that. I think Paul was in charge of the retreatants at that time. That was his service, so I might’ve distracted him from his service a little bit. Then, after that, there were two occasions where I was asked to make a choice if I wanted to pursue this relationship with Paul, or I wanted to continue my intimate service with Beloved.
Ed: Right.
“Beloved was my significant other”
Stephan: It didn’t appear that I could do both, or maybe it just wasn’t appropriate because they were both demanding too much attention. Of course, prior to Paul, I was like 100%. Beloved was my significant other. He’s the one I served. He’s the one I had. It was just that that was my lifestyle, and now all of a sudden, it’s going in another direction. On two occasions, I did agree to let go of my relationship with Paul and just fully incarnate my service and relationship with Beloved, and have that be my primary obligation for energy and attention.
Ed: Right.
Stephan: I failed living up to both of those agreements. There were times when I was so anxious to see Paul that I would actually sneak out of the property area where we were living around Beloved. Just a few of us there. Just the ladies, and myself, and maybe a security person. I would sneak away. I would jump in Beloved’s car and drive off. I figured, “Oh, he’s sleeping right now,” or, “He’s not going to get up for many hours.” I would just drive into the village just to spend time with Paul, and then I would drive back. I was so obsessed with him, and so I would be breaking the rules all the time. I was also trying to live them at the same time. I just remember this one moment, it’s a silly little memory, but it’s just what comes up.
Stephan: I had agreed, for the second time, to relinquish my relationship to Paul, and just to serve Beloved, and be around him. I remember bringing in a bottle of champagne that a devotee had gifted. I had it in my hands, and I was showing it to Beloved, and it was a really nice bottle, a special year and whatnot, vintage. Beloved said, “Yeah, Oh yeah, okay. Let’s put it over, hold onto it, and we’ll save it for a special occasion.” Then he looked at me and said, “Are you okay?” It was very ordinary, but very caring at the same time. I remember responding to him and just saying, “Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah, I’m great. Yeah, no problem. I’m good.” I mean, it literally didn’t even, I didn’t even have to think about it or even inspect my feelings. I just responded automatically that everything was just fine, and that’s what I felt, but I didn’t really feel that because I didn’t really inspect my feelings.
I think that’s why he asked. I think he asked because he maybe was sensing that I was still processing stuff, and that maybe I think he was helping me to just, but he could also see that I was … I’m good at denying stuff and moving on. That’s been my life, denying the past, and then moving on, trying to survive the next moment, so I’m really good at that. I did that again in a certain sense. I did that with him. Then I remember, shortly thereafter, we’re in this Reality Consideration again with the same group of people. Well, Paul’s not there. He wasn’t with all of them. Oh, and plus, we’re no longer in a relationship, so now he’s just back in the village. I’m sitting in front of Krysia. She says, “I saw Paul this morning in the village.” I said, “Really?” She said, “Yeah. He looked like he had been crying a lot.” I said, “What?” All of a sudden, just the thought of this person in a hurt situation. That had to do with me and what I may have done, or caused, or participated in was unacceptable. Once again, I got completely out of character, and I just stood up and walked out. I put on my clothes. I didn’t say anything to anybody because I also was crying. It’s just the feeling that Paul was hurt. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know what vehicle I got into, but somehow or another I just commandeered a vehicle and went straight to the village to find him.
When I found him, I just grabbed him and hugged him. I told him how much I loved him. I just didn’t want him to be hurt. I couldn’t, I couldn’t handle it. I think pretty much from that moment on that was it. The Reality Consideration was coming to an end anyway, and there was no way I was going to give up my relationship with Paul. I had to make another choice.
Ed: But you had to communicate that to Beloved, right?
Stephan: Yeah, of course, of course. I don’t even remember how that happened, but I think it was just, my actions gave it away so to speak, running out of a Reality Consideration, jumping in a vehicle, and just leaving it all. I don’t think I had to say much at all. I think it was obvious. “Whoops, it looks like Stephan made his choice.”
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“What was Stephan’s Choice?
Karmic Destiny and the Resurrection
of
The Human Possibility of Love
Quandra Sukhapur, June 14, 2004
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Whatever you appear to do, your activity is always an extension of your apparent self.
Whatever you do to another, you necessarily do to your apparent self.
You cannot directly cause an inward effect on another.
You can directly cause an inward effect only on your apparent self.
Whatever effect you may appear to have on another, the other must consent to actually do to himself or herself.
Likewise, no other can directly cause an inward effect in you except to the degree that you consent to do it to your apparent self.
Therefore, at the heart, you are not a doer, nor one to whom anything is done but you Are only the Inherently Perfect Witness, and only the Very Self-Condition of apparent actions.
Realize This.
Realize the Source-Condition of your apparent individual self and Be Set Free from all appearances of egoic action.
Transcending Victim Consciousness
